The 5 Coolest Superpowers The Religious Right Thinks I Have
When we in the gay community got our "Now That You Are Queer" welcome packet, it never said how much responsibility came with it. It implied that being gay was just a matter of having great sex, awesome parties, and some light weather-changing capabilities. We in no way realized that we were going to cause some of the largest disasters in human history.
That's not an excuse, of course. Some of you have been really hurt by our actions, we understand. Who knew that getting married and wanting basic civil rights could be so dangerous to you, the average straight person? Not us.
I'm afraid it's not going to end, either. I can extend my heartfelt apologies to you, but the fact is that 5 percent to 10 percent of the population is coming out as LGBT constantly, and through our own ignorance (and, frankly, a subpar training program) we're going to use our ever-growing powers to accidentally kill you guys. It's totally not personal.
To get down on our knees and grovel over every little disaster we've caused would take all day; is it cool if we just apologize for the Top 5? So many ways to completely annihilate the human race, so little time. You understand.
Sodom And Gomorrah
We, the gays, started ruining things in Genesis. No, not the 1980s band featuring Phil Collins -- the very first book of the Bible. Yeah, we didn't waste any time. There was creation, and then BAM! Cities destroyed by homosexuality.
I don't know how many times you have destroyed entire cities in a rain of tar and fire, but I'll let you know that when your first mistake becomes the word sodomy -- a word that people use to describe anal sex, oral sex, and non-consensual sex -- it is mortifying. Imagine if you got blind drunk one night, crapped on a friend's carpet thinking it was the bathroom, and that became officially known worldwide for thousands of years and in several languages as your name.
"It is imperative that our children learn from the tale of Ezekiel Deucedropper
so that they may wipe away their sins ... and, uh, other things."
Now, we didn't have access to books and stuff back then either, but gay folklore has it that God sent three angels down from Heaven to Sodom and Gomorrah disguised as men. The townsfolk asked to "know them," which is Bible-slang for doin' it in the butt in this case. The Bible had way better parties than you've ever been to. In their defense, I can imagine the angels looked like Abercrombie models. I mean, who could blame the townsmen? They were notorious man-sluts.
Sure, there's massive amounts of archaeological evidence that Sodom and Gomorrah didn't exist at all. And, most scholars believe that the "sin" in Sodom and Gomorrah was simply inhospitality to strangers. But don't you believe it. Those other explanations may sound more logical and researched, but we know our handiwork when we see it. We just got ahead of ourselves and queered way too hard, destroying two Biblical cities. If we could take it back we would, but what's done is done, you know?
Thousands Of Birds Fall Out Of The Sky; Fish Wash Up On Shore
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was enacted on Feb. 28, 1994, effectively banning LGBT service members. Well, they could technically enlist, as long as they didn't say anything or act on their feelings (or, you know, have feelings). It essentially turned into a massive witch hunt with 13,000 service members dishonorably discharged based on investigations, rumor, and innuendo.
"Yeah, he said 'fuchsia' instead of 'purple.'"
The ban was lifted Sept. 20, 2011, and we didn't expect that our victory would tear thousands of birds from the sky and hundreds of thousands of fish from the water, ending their Earthly journey. I didn't even know we had that power. We're like The Greatest American Hero, learning our powers as we go along.
And no, that's not a joke; that actually happened. Cindy Jacobs was laughed at when she tried to tell the world what was going on, but she was right on the nose when she said:
It could be because we have said it's OK for people who commit these kinds of acts to be recognized in our military for the first time in our history; there is a potential that there is something that actually happened in the land where a hundred thousand drum fish died and also where these birds just fell out of the air.
"Why aren't they investigating whether any of these animals were homosexuals?
What is Big Gay trying to hide!?!"
Yeah, a bunch of scientists have "theories," but who trusts those guys? The bird-death theories ranged from lightning to a sonic boom to freezing temperatures. Some scientists said the fish died of disease. Pfft. Who believes that? No one knows, except for Cindy Jacobs and us.
But now that you do know, consider it a warning. I would watch your head when the Supreme Court brings down the decision to federalize same-sex marriage in June.
It's so hard to narrow down just one hurricane to apologize for. I mean, we have caused so many; how do you choose just one? When we were originally told of our light weather-changing capabilities in the Queer welcome packet, we just didn't put together that having tens of thousands of LGBTs all gaying together at the same time would cause a fury of wind and rain that destroyed man and beast. You would have thought that they would have at least mentioned it. Our bad. That was totally on us, and we missed it.
That's why we depend on our intrepid leaders, like Repent America Director Michael Marcavage, who said about the LGBT Pride celebration that happened a week before Katrina:
"Southern Decadence" has a history of filling the French Quarter section of the city with drunken homosexuals engaging in sex acts in the public streets and bars. Last year, a local pastor sent video footage of sex acts being performed in front of police to the mayor, city council, and the media. City officials simply ignored the footage and continued to welcome and praise the weeklong celebration as being an "exciting event." However, Hurricane Katrina has put an end to the annual celebration of sin.
"Except for the beads-for-boobs thing. We still need that to counteract
all the past gayness. So says Jesus."
Well, it didn't "end it" so much as "postpone it," and I think I can speak for all of us when I say that party is now pretty high on our bucket lists. You're probably thinking, "But if all of you go, won't it cause another massive hurricane?" Well, yes. But, at the same time, I've always wanted to try a vodka zombie in the French Quarter with thousands of naked people gyrating around me.
The Collapse Of The Western Economy
Sometimes, when all of the LGBTs are together for our weekly conferences, we will get to chatting about our various superpowers. Like, everyone wants to be Manuel since his superpower is effortlessly maintaining six-pack abs and causing the occasional tornado, or Melissa, who can master any power tool in 45 seconds -- that's just badass. But when Jen goes on and on about how she can manipulate money markets with her mind and has the ability to wipe out the Dow Jones average in 30 seconds, no one listens. I mean, why do I care what she can do to hedge funds? I don't even really know what a hedge fund is.
"Why should I have a gardening account? I live in an apartment."
That's why, when she was particularly upset because no one thought she was cool except for Richard -- he's a Log Cabin Republican -- we didn't know the implications when she single-handedly almost brought on the collapse of the Western Economy.
We cannot be more sorry that, when the Dow plummeted 778 points in an hour back in September 2008, no one knew what that meant except for Jen and Richard. The $1.2 trillion lost was like monopoly money. All it meant was we weren't buying Park Place.
"Just pass Go 6 billion times. No big deal."
Thank God for Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, who says that "homosexuality in the end is going to be responsible for the collapse of the Western economy." And boy is he right. If it wasn't for straight people coming in and saving the whole economy, Jen really could have screwed us all. And not in the fun way.
Sure, economists say the 2008 financial crisis was a complicated situation that began with the implosion of Lehman Brothers, a "too big to fail" global bank, along with nonexistent regulations for Wall Street and a glut of irresponsible and loose mortgage-lending standards, but what do they know? They're economists, so they're going to look for an economical cause for an economical problem. It's like on House, where the heart doctor assumes it's a heart problem and the brain doctor assumes it's a brain problem.
"THAT'S NOT EVEN A THING!"
No, the truth is that it was all us. I want to be clear: Being intractable in our gayness and flaunting our "lifestyles" is wholly to blame for the eventual collapse of the economy of the West. It has nothing to do with CEOs and hedge fund managers bilking people out of billions in retirement pensions and stock for their own profit. You have our deepest regrets that this is the case.
The Amtrak Derailment
If you haven't been buried under the rubble of all we've wrought (again, we are incredibly sorry for that) you may have heard about this devastating derailment that killed eight and injured over 200 people. The train, traveling from Washington, D.C., to New York City, was carrying 238 passengers and was going approximately 100 mph in an area where the max speed is supposed to be half of that, when it derailed.
At first, we thought it was just another derailment in the list of many. Tragic, but occasionally expected for a method of travel that demands getting into 180,000 pounds of metal and going really fast.
Then, through careful Facebook stalking by Chuck Johnson of the website GotNews.com, BREAKING NEWS was released that the engineer for this particular train was Brandon Bostian, a "gay activist," who has "liked" pages as scandalous as the Memphis Gay And Lesbian Community Center and Houdini The Wonderdog.
"I won't rest until I've uncovered all of the dick pics. If your penis even looks like his (regardless of race)
it is your civic duty to send me a pic. #JOURNALISM"
Enter the ever-correct Sandy Rios of the American Family Association, who totally caught us again. Let me ask you: What did we do before the advent of the American Family Association? There were no checks and balances. LGBT people just went around willy-nilly, gaying ourselves into these situations, and no one called us on it. We call it "the golden years."
Anyway, Sandy surmised that maybe the engineer lost control of the train because he was "going through some confusion that has to do with the very core of who they are," which, I mean, grammar aside, has anything made more sense than that? If anything explains the senseless loss of eight human beings and the injury to over 200, it's that Brandon was so overwhelmed with the gay that he just made the train go really fast. He probably has an acceleration power, which has caused him to excel in train conducting and working at Target before that, but then he just gayed entirely too hard.
He gayed too close to the sun, on wings of fabulousness.
We've all done it. I mean us, the LGBT community. Not you straight people. You're really blameless in all of this. I feel like we should do something to make up for it. Do you guys like fruit baskets?
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