5 Adults Who Just Brutally Destroyed The Dreams Of Children
For most of us, the transition from childhood to adulthood was a disgusting multi-year process involving weird new hairs, terrible smells, and the overwhelming sensation that your crotch is possessed by an angry poltergeist. But for the kids on this list, childhood came to an abrupt end when the following shitheel grown-ups -- who should've waaay known better -- scorch-earthed the cosmic joy and wonderment that comes with not yet being a shitheel grown-up.
Priests Prepared Second-Graders For Confession (By Asking Them If They've Ever Killed Anyone)
Students at San Francisco's Star Of The Sea Catholic School recently received a church pamphlet called "Examination Of Conscience And Catholic Doctrine," containing yes-or-no questions like "Did I fail to pray daily?" and "Did I eat meat on Ash Wednesday?" meant to help the kids recall past naughtiness they'd need to confess stat, lest they burn for all eternity.
So much for taking a 30-minute detention seriously ever again.
But either the author forgot they were writing for kids or simply didn't care, because many other questions were for ... more experienced sinners. Like the one asking if the kids had masturbated, committed adultery, or performed sodomy. And for the little deniers of God's Word who can keep it in their pants, the pamphlet asked of them "Did I attempt suicide?" and "Did I physically injure or kill anyone?"
Better quit the intramural euthanasia team too, before Jesus finds out.
Many parents, shockingly nonplussed about their children being interrogated about murder and butt stuff, are pinning the blame on a single priest who is "newly installed at the parish and ... doesn't know the school very well at all." That's understandable. Some campuses host scores of murderous, sex-crazed grade-schoolers, some don't, and some schools are actually Coolio music videos.
A Special Needs Athlete Was Forced To Remove His Letter Jacket Because He Didn't "Earn It"
Michael Kelley, a student at East High School in Wichita, Kansas, has Down syndrome and autism. He's also an athlete who plays on the school's special needs basketball team. To boost his spirits, his mother got him a varsity letterman jacket to wear like the other athletes. Enter Principal Ken Thiessen, who ordered Kelley to remove his jacket and never wear it again. Why? Because Kelley wasn't a varsity athlete and didn't deserve his letter, of course.
"Sorry, only varsity athletes can properly use 1/26th of the alphabet as a nipple shield."
"Uh, Cthulhu? Sorry, that's all I got."
It appears an asshole parent saw Kelley wearing his jacket, got offended, and snitched to the boss. Because, clearly, the lives of everyone this parent loved were in grave danger until some kid ceased wearing a chunk of fabric that he already owned and would abruptly stop wearing after graduation.
A 7-Year-Old Was Banned From School Until He Shaved His Military Haircut
Adam Stinnett, a student at Bobby Ray Memorial Elementary School in Tennessee, found himself banned from class for sporting a haircut the principal felt violated a ban on "mohawks and other extreme cuts." Here's the offending hairdo:
Respectfully high and tight, opening act at Warped Tour -- same difference.
Yep, that's a soldier cut. Stinnett got it to honor his stepbrother, an active-duty Army specialist whom the young boy idolizes. Instead, he was forced to shave it clean off and return to school heartbroken and depressed, but no longer at risk of ordering his classmates to drop and give him 20. The school, naturally, insists they don't ban military haircuts, meaning the principal must have thought Stinnett was sporting something else. The school's namesake, by the way, was a Navy Hospital Corpsman who received the Medal Of Honor after falling on a grenade in Vietnam. Their gym is named after Jeremy Brown, an Army specialist killed in Afghanistan. And yet, they can't figure out what a military man looks like.
A Homeowners' Association Refused A Cancer Patient's Make-A-Wish Request, Citing "Covenants"
Six-year-old Ella Schultz has cancer, and that's not the saddest part of this story. For her Make-A-Wish, she requested a big playhouse built in her backyard. Sounds reasonable, right?
Except the local homeowner's association told her to fuck right off, then presumably fermented her tears into moonshine. The reason, according to one Stalin-In-Business-Woman's-Clothing, was, "The proposed plan ... is a violation of our covenants." So, because drunken assholes can't build a frat house in their backyard, a first-grader whose been dealt the shittiest hand possible can't play with her toys and be happy in hers.
"But her peals of happiness will keep me up for literal minutes ... in the middle of the afternoon."
But hey, sometimes you gotta be tough and shatter a child's faith in humanity if it keeps the other neighbors happy. One problem: They weren't. Despite it being HOAsplained why Ella can't have nice things, virtually everybody wants just that. "Little Ella is darling," said one. "I think they need to reconsider ... I want to look out my window and see Ella happy." But ... but ... THE COVENANTS.
The HOA has since changed its mind, because (as the Barefoot Contessa learned after refusing to meet a young cancer patient because she was "busy") the world gets angry when corporate husks make kids cry. And you wouldn't like the world when it's angry.
New Hampshire Legislators Mocked Grade-Schoolers' Proposed Bill With An Abortion Joke
Recently, a fourth-grade class authored a cute bill to establish the red-tailed hawk as New Hampshire's official state raptor. They went to the state house to propose it ... and were promptly told to shove off and quit bothering the grown-ups. Democrat Christy Bartlett told them, "We have little time to invest in this topic. ... I'm not trying to be mean ... but this is a prime example of being swayed against our better judgment. ... We need your help to stay focused on issues of more importance." Others straight-up called the bill silly and mockingly proposed naming an official state hot dog instead.
Then Republican Warren Groen (finally, a bipartisan effort) chimed in with, "[The hawk] uses its razor-sharp beak to rip its victim to shreds, tearing it apart limb by limb ... it would serve as a much better mascot for Planned Parenthood."
"What did you learn at school today, honey?"
"That I enjoy when babies die, apparently."
That's right. He made an abortion joke. In front of fourth-graders. Who simply wanted to present a silly bill honoring a silly bird. On the plus side, these kids now know exactly how politics works.
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