4 Sexual Behaviors That Have Become Oddly Common in Public
There are some places where you just don't expect to stumble across people having sex. So if I'm hiding in a refrigerator in the back of a Best Buy, and you burst in with your partner to have sex in it, don't look at me like I'm the weird one. However, some of these places have become such prime boning locations that we're having to make new rules about it. Like how ...
People Are Constantly Filming Smut In ... Libraries?
The library is kind of an inherently sexy place. All those books that maybe describe boobs. That's hot. But whereas I can look at a book full of boobs and appreciate it for the literature that it is, it seems that some people become inflamed with uncontrollable lust. For example, a fellow Canadian using the pseudonym of "lilsecrett" (who, full disclosure, is not me) made headlines in 2015 for getting caught studying her Hemingway at a Windsor, Ontario library. Note that I need to you to read "studying her Hemingway" in kind of a lascivious tone, because we're using it as a euphemism for her masturbating on webcam.
When the media caught wind, they looked her up "for work purposes," and discovered about 50 videos of Ms. Secrett getting herself off in libraries, and not always the same one. Was this the start of a new trend? Hell no, it was the continuation of one. A 19-year-old woman at Oregon State managed to film a solid half hour of her going to town on herself in the library. In 2012, Cornell University students noticed that their engineering library played an uncredited role in some amateur porn. It happened at a public library in Louisiana, and at Humboldt University's library in Germany. It seems that having a library in the background is porn shorthand for "He's both well-dong'd and smart."
People getting nasty in the stacks is so common that some libraries have installed security cameras as a way to keep tabs on people's tabs and slots. Presumably, this is not to get their own copies of the porn.
Firehouses Need Security Cameras To Stop All The On-Call Sex
It's hard to guess what precisely went down in Clearwater, Florida, where two firefighters were let go after having a sexual relationship on duty, but it sounds like it was way more than just a simple hookup. Did they get other people's uniforms sticky, or make the dalmatian watch? Hard to say, but it was so egregious that the department had to install cameras, overhaul policy, and institute new guidelines requiring assistant chiefs to make regular check-ins.
Obviously, if there's a trend of fucking so intensely that it disrupts an entire workplace, then Las Vegas has to get in on it. Cameras were installed at 20 locations throughout the city after it came out that firefighters were squirting more bodily fluids than water, with one EMT saying she'd had sex well over 50 times in 13 different firehouses over the years. And Sacramento had to issue new rules to its firefighters about sex on duty after several instances of group sex.
I'm not saying this is a bad rule or anything, and I certainly don't want to propagate the ugly "sexy firefighter" stereotype that has plagued so many posters and pornos over the years. But has your boss ever had to install hundreds of dollars' worth of equipment specifically to stop you from logjamming on the clock?
Some Cities Now Just Let You Bang In Public
Public sex isn't uncommon. Hell, a lot of people get off on the fact that at any moment, someone could shout at them from across the laser tag arena to pull their pants up. What is rare, though, are cities that have found public sex to be so common that they kind of give up on the idea of ever stopping it. The town of Guadalajara, Mexico opted to make the whole city a humptastical wonderland of debauchery, because they felt like the cops should focus more on real crimes than harassing people who couldn't afford hotels. As long as no one files a formal complaint, you're free to plug any orifice you like, wherever you like.
Meanwhile, in Amsterdam, you may be surprised to learn that sex in public is actually not legal everywhere in town. Instead, there's a place called Vondelpark, where all the fresh-air-loving Dutch deviants can go to get busy under the sun. The rules here are similar to Guadalajara, in that the government would like you to maybe spare a glance around to ensure no kids are in the area before you begin the Humping. Fun side note: It's still illegal to have your dog off-leash in the park. But if it's on the leash, it can totally watch you get railed by the river.
And maybe you already expected people to be publicly slurping their pudding pops in a place like Amsterdam, but Jolly Ol' England? That's where the queen lives! However, there's a park in Puttenham where people have sex so often that it's basically an accepted tradition that people just go with. This has turned Puttenham into the #2 dogging site in all of Europe.
I do hope you all don't know what dogging is, but I'm going to explain it anyway. It's that thing where you park somewhere and just whip out your goods and start fiddling with them for the benefit of others. And then you hope beyond hope that people are inclined to just kind of join in. Depending on your success rate, that sounds either very promising or profoundly sad.
There's A Plague Of Tourists Getting Naked At National Landmarks
For reasons best left up to oracles and hyper-intelligent computers to try to suss out, there's a recurring theme at a number of historical sites all around the world whereby tourists get bare-ass naked to take their selfies. No one's having sex. No one sees Big Ben and suddenly finds that their genitals are slicker than a drooling bulldog's chin. It's just nudity that no one asked for -- or more importantly, approved. This has happened so much at Machu Picchu that the Peruvian government had to issue a formal request that people stop doing it there.
Cambodia's been dealing with the same problem at Angkor Wat, except there it's compounded by the fact that the temple is a holy site, which adds an extra testicle-shaped cherry on top of the for fuck's sake sundae. And nude tourism is also potentially devastating when you consider the tourists who got naked on a sacred Malaysian mountain and then caused an earthquake. Sorta. I mean, they got naked and then an earthquake happened, and that was enough cause and effect to convince even government officials that they were related.
Thailand has had to go so far as to create some videos to explain to tourists the difference between good nudity and bad nudity, all in an effort to help those from abroad not get arrested for showing their bits and bobs to people who aren't down for it. The lesson to be learned here is that maybe your crotch doesn't need to be as much of a world traveler as you. Maybe all of us should take a moment to look around and make sure the place we're about to debauch is actually set up to allow that to happen in a way that doesn't impose on or traumatize others. But what do I know, I wrote this whole article naked.
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