If there ever was a franchise defined by the concept of revolution, it's Star Wars. The original trilogy was all about toppling an evil empire, the prequels revolve (ha!) around the revolution that created said empire, and The Force Awakens kicks off with a new breed of revolutionary space Nazis which will presumably be toppled by rebels old and new. Bring things down to a planetary scale, and virtually every hunk of rock a named character visits gets invaded (or explodes, which also counts as a change of government, in a sad but very permanent way) at some point during the series.
Another thing that defines Star Wars is, of course, the Force and its users. Which makes sense, because if you replaced every single one of these dumbasses with regular people, things would have been pretty stable for the Galaxy Far, Far Away.
If this guy was a Sith, their average IQ would actually go up a notch.
Maybe it's some weird side effect of midichlorians, but no matter how cunning a revolution-happy Force user seemingly is, the second they embrace their art is the second they start making critical rookie mistakes for their enemies to later exploit. Throughout the first six movies, Palpatine is fucking deadly ... as long as he sticks to his political skills. The vast majority of his successful machinations are non-Force-related, and almost every time he brings the Force is a fucking disaster. Sure, he gets power and a fancy title. But he probably could have done that with just his political and military allies, while keeping his Darths tucked the fuck away -- with the possible exception of Count Dooku (once again, the Christopher Lee factor), whose role is mostly that of a facilitator anyway.
Darth Maul gets one significant kill under his belt before he dies by a rookie mistake. Palpatine himself gets his face melted the moment he goes full Darth Sidious. Anakin Skywalker juggles a whole host of idiot balls of his own throughout the prequels, and when Palpatine finally wins him over, he gets shut inside a robot torture suit instead of being given proper cybernetics the second he sustains significant injuries. Finally, after a couple of decades of presumably relying on political and military might again, Palpatine once again picks up the Force idiot ball and sics this broken, traumatized cyborg fucker on his own son, personally supervising their final encounter and once again blasting into full Force mode himself, managing to get killed and create an Empire-toppling power vacuum in the process.
Apart from a couple of character-establishing shots for Vader in the original movie, every single time a bad guy goes "ooh, Force" in the first six movies, they tend to shoot themselves in the foot somehow. I'm not a betting man, but if I was, I'd wager that if a decidedly more grounded guy, like Grand Moff Tarkin, had been in charge, their supreme command would have focused more on stability and less on a random moisture farmer, and the Empire would still be around.
Dude, I know it's cool to shoot lightning from your fingers, but you'd think you know what your strengths are by now .
And Kylo Ren, with his tantrums and fixations, looks like he's more than prepared to carry the proud tradition. It's all too easy to see General Hux and Captain Phasma desperately insist that the new Starkiller base should be anything, anything but an upscale version of the same old fucking giant death beam with the same old fucking basic vulnerabilities, only to have Kylo and Supreme Leader Snoke bang their fists on the table and go: "No, guys. Got to have that exhaust port. It's not like the Rebels have the best pilot in the universe on their side and a history of disabling our space murder lasers' impenetrable defenses or anything."
Walt Disney Studios
If Rey turns to the Dark Side in the next movie, we'll know -- because she'll slip on the rocks in front of Luke and face-plant right into the ocean.
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
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