20 Reasons the Metal Gear Solid games suck.
Last week I mentioned off hand that I dislike the Metal Gear Solid games. This provoked a moderate response in the comments section, and realizing the healthy traffic that shameless flamebait usually provokes, I decided to flesh out that thought this week. First some background. I enjoyed the first Metal Gear Solid. Sure, I thought the story was embarrassing and I wasn't dazzled by the gameplay, but the whole package was so unique and quirky, that I generally enjoyed my time with it. When MGS2 came out a few years later, and was snatching up good reviews like a kleptomaniac in a good review store, it seemed a no-brainer to pick it up. It was right around here that things got stupid. So technically speaking I guess this list could be rephrased "20 beefs I have with Metal Gear Solid 2," although most of the same problems were there in the original. And finally a caveat: I never played the third game, so if all these problems got fixed up there, then I guess I'm going to look like some kind of asshole. I'll leave it as an exercise to the reader to figure out specifically what kind of asshole I am. __ 1) Snake is capable of eating dozens of tins of rations in a short time span, yet is never seen using the bathroom, or even walking funny. 2) While playing the game, players are forced to take drugs to improve their sniping abilities. As I'm sure you've heard, this has precipitated a marked increase in reported instances of teenage "drug and gunplay" parties. Compounding the problem, this comes at the cost of much less oral sex parties. 3) Halfway through the second game, Solid Snake dies his hair blond and is played by a woman. This is never explained. 4) Shaking down bad guys to steal their dog tags before murdering them is a war crime, and not a "cool feature."
5) The guards in the Metal Gear games will give up searching for you, a heavily armed infiltrator/murderer, after about 30 seconds of half-assed poking around. This is just one of many instances of the series heavy anti-union sentiments on display.
6) The bad guys also never raise their gaze from the floor, constantly scanning the ground about 10 feet in front of them. Terrified of lilliputian interlopers or constantly on the lookout for spare change? You tell me.
7) Male Nudity. Needed more of it.
8 ) In the first game, several characters die from a disease called FOXDIE, which is spread by toilet seats. This has long been proved to be an urban legend.
9) Even though Snake is capable of slaying dozens and even hundreds of enemies at a time, in every encounter he's confronted by an infinite supply of enemies, forcing him to run and hide - a humiliating fate for one so powerful. What kind of message does this send our children? Just what kind of American is series creator Hideo Kojima anyway?
10) Starting right in basic training, professional soldiers are drilled to never display exclamation marks above their heads when surprised. If you ever get the chance to observe this training I highly recommend it: the exercises they conduct to learn this skill are hilarious.
11) Snake's radar doesn't work when he's hiding under tables. Are these tables made out of lead? Is there kryptonite near by?