Despite having thousands of years of practice, businesses still have no idea how to market themselves to women. For example, the clothing industry is constantly coming up with female-specific "personality types" that are clumsy/embarrassing at best and terrifying at worst. For example ...

"My Personality Is A Salad"

You know how women are. We love vegetables so much that we dress like we're heading to the Super Bowl to root for the Los Angeles Lettuce Wraps. How else would you explain items like this:

KALE
SUB_URBAN RIOT

Yep, that is just the word "kale" in all caps. I don't know who would buy this, but I know for certain that it is the result of a sad creative meeting where a dude mentioned that he heard his wife say "kale" once, and maybe that means something. But seriously, this is a whole genre.

YOU HAD ME AT VEGGIES
Zazzle

Somehow this is even worse than a big "KALE" stamped on your sternum. "You Had Me At Veggies" is the saddest qualifier for human connection ever, along with being a terrible movie reference. What about "I'M GOING TO MAKE HIM A SALAD HE CAN'T REFUSE" or "LOVE MEANS NEVER HAVING TO MAKE YOUR SPINACH"? Those aren't great, but they're better than this. Instead, you might as well have written "FRANKLY, MY DEAR, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. ALSO SOMETHING ABOUT CUCUMBERS."

Avacado Slut
Shapperals

Avocados have more of a fan following than any other fruit or vegetable. I found this honestly wonderful shirt which I want to own after the phrase "Avocadho" popped into my head (which is also a real shirt). Other avocado shirt puns include "avocado this world," "let's avocuddle," "avocado-holic," "avo-cardio," and for you Harry Potter fans, "avocado kedavra." That's the killing curse plus the food I like! Yeah I'll admit it, I'm a big ol' avocado slut.

"I Work Out, But Don't Worry, I Hate It"

Thanks to pop culture, in which "ugly duckling" characters can turn into supermodels if they just let their hair down a bit, there's nothing we hate more than a woman trying to look good. So if you must exercise to stay thin, you'd better wear a shirt that acknowledges what a bummer it is that you have to make an effort like a lesser-than.

CRAZYDOG PILATES? HELL OH NO I THOUGHT YOU SAID PIE AND LATTES
Crazy Dog T-Shirts

I don't know how that joke works, unless you were somehow shouting "PIE AND LATTES" over your unfortunate friend, but that shirt makes it absolutely clear that the wearer did not come to the gym by choice. They were tricked into going to Planet Fitness, and they're so indifferent to their own well-being that they have to wear a shirt about it. What matters is that you make it clear that you eat REGULAR FOOD like a COOL GIRL.

INTO FITNESS IM FITNESS TACO IN MY MOUTA
Cafe Press

You can find roughly 100 different versions of this shirt for cheese, chocolate, and pizza, as T-shirt companies apparently think this is the funniest goddamn joke on Earth. You can even get it on a pink onesie with a tutu attached, in case your baby enjoys puns that sound like someone is having a stroke at Taco Bell.

I'VE NEVER SEEN SATAN & MY TRAINER IN A ROOM AT THE SAME TIME JUST SAYING...
Constantly Varied Gear

Do you pay a LOT of money for a personal trainer, but also need to tell the world that you hate them? Buy this shirt. Or, ya know, end this apparently miserable relationship. If you don't give your personal trainer $400 a month, they will go away. They aren't like Rumpelstiltskin, hanging onto you and yelling, "You want to be rid of me? Then you must do these squats three!"

"I Know A Man Who Will Murder You On My Behalf"

If you need to let the world know that you have chosen to wed a psychopath, have we got a shirt for you! It's got everything: threats to strangers ... and that's about it.

5 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MY HUSBAND 1. He is an ASSHOLE, not a smartass 2. He has guns and tattoos 3. He has anger issues 4. / am his Queen 5. H
REDBUBBLE

If you're reading this on your cellphone while you're on the toilet (no shame, as that's how I'm writing it), let me break this tiny text down for you. It says:

5 things you should know about MY HUSBAND

1. He is an ASSHOLE, not a smartass

2. He has guns and tattoos

3. He has anger issues

4. I am his Queen

5. He is a crazy HUSBAND and I am not AFRAID to use him.

So there's a lot to unpack there, but I feel like an edit would've done this shirt some good:

1 thing you should know about MY HUSBAND

1. He is an ASSHOLE.

WARNING A THIS GIRL IS PROTECTED BY A SMOKIN'HOT MILLWRIGHT AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE HIM
TeeSpring

This shirt expresses pretty much the same sentiment, but more directly. The best thing about it was that I mistook a "millwright," a person who builds mills or maintains mill machinery, for a "milliner," a person who makes women's hats, which improves it roughly 1,000 percent. "My husband does two things: kick ass and make beautiful headwear. And he's all out of decorative feathers."

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANGRY UNTIL YOU'VE SEEN MY HUSBAND
USPPLE

If you want to cut straight to the heart of these shirts, you can just buy this one. That way, people won't have to decipher any fancy wordplay if they want to figure out that your marriage was a mistake.

"I Have A Job, But I'm Still Horny"

I'm probably the most confused about this category of shirts. You know how in romantic comedies, the thing the woman has to "get past" is always that she is too organized and good at her job? I feel like these shirts were designed to reassure men that even though a woman is unfortunately employed, she is still interested in sex. You know, because employment is a real boner killer. Why else would you need a shirt that says ...

DOG GROOMERS GIVE THE BEST BLOW JOBS
Spreadshirt

I hate to be that person, but can you show your work? What scientific process allowed you to come to this conclusion? I don't want to doubt your blowjob skills, dog groomers of the world, but what's stopping me from making a T-shirt that says "BURGER KING FRY COOKS CAN DO BUTT STUFF FOR DAYS"?

I'M THE PSYCHOT C ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT EVERYONE WARNED YOU ABOUT
TeeSpring

Ah yes, a somehow even less work-appropriate shirt that tells everyone what your job is, that you are hot, and also that you are crazy. It's so ridiculously specific. So there has to be at least one person on Earth who is like, "I need everyone to know that I am a sexy administrative assistant, but also that I'm batshit. Where can I find the perfect novelty T-shirt for that?"

HOT SINGLE EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT
Zazzle

OK, maybe two people, but one of them has a slightly different job title and has at least dropped the "crazy" part. Well, that was embarrassing. If only there was a T-shirt that could express exactly how I feel right now.

OKAY NOW I'M REALLY PISSED
RATEESHIRT

Oh, thank God.

"I'm The Cutest Lil Alcoholic You Ever Did See"

Joking about drinking too much is a huge trend in merchandise made for women right now. If you don't know a woman who has a sign in her kitchen that says something like "It's Wine O'Clock Somewhere!" then I'm honestly surprised. And I think this has to do with the stereotype of the drunk socialite mother who hides her alcoholism from her children. Our society has progressed so much that when women have to drink just to get through the day, we don't hide it, but celebrate it!

FUNCTIONING OWLCOHOLIG
Look Human

Get it, because I have a debilitating disease, and I also like owls! The alcoholic part is sad, of course, but when you add a fat bird, it really jazzes it up. (This is also available on a onesie, by the way.)

HAKUNA MA 'VODKA It MEONS NO Memories For The Rest Of your Nisht
Etsy

If you don't want to straight up make a joke about alcoholism, you can hide it behind Lion King parody lyrics. It's like Weird Al, if Weird Al woke up in a puddle of his own vomit.

IF YOU HAVE TO ASK IF IT'S TOO EARLY To Drink Wine YOU'RE AN AMATEUR AND WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS
Brave New Look

This is another one of those shirts that could be nominated for a short story award. "If you have to ask if it's too early to drink wine, you're an AMATEUR and we can't be friends." I think that might be from Hemingway?

"I'm Clinically Depressed, But In A Fun Way"

These shirts are perfect for when you want to tell the world that your life is in shambles, but don't worry, you're totally chill about it.

TYING LONE
SUB_URBAN RIOT

See? Here's a fun shirt with a cat's face on it to remind everyone how cool you are with being eaten by this little bean-toes when your body is left decaying in your apartment for weeks without being found. Aw!

OK, if that chipper meditation on death isn't your thing, how about this one about feeling a deep hollowness where your soul used to be? But don't worry, there's a unicorn on it! See, it's just a joke. Or is it? Not even the wearer knows!

DEAD !m INSIDE
REDBUBBLE

Alright, this is getting a little dark. Let's try it in pink, with some light rhyming.

STRESSED DEPRESSED K-POP OBSESSED
ETSY

If there are two things you want the world to know about you, it should be that your mental state is crumbling, and that you like K-Pop. Remember, ladies: Every aspect of your personality, from music tastes to severe mental illness, is just another adorable quirk!

Lydia will judge your T-shirt on Twitter and find it wanting.

For more, check out 7 Racist And Sexist Ads That Are Shockingly Recent - The Spit Take:


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