16 Bucket List Items to Achieve Before (Or While) You Die
A Bucket List is a list of things that someone intends to do before they die, the missed experiences that this person imagines will help flesh out and define their life. Its name is derived from the phrase "kicking the bucket," a euphemism for dying, though why it wasn't derived from our preferred euphemism for death -- "going tits up" -- is a mystery. "Tits Miscellanea." There, that's it. That's what it could have been. Missed opportunity, universe. Obviously, Cracked readers' lifestyles carry a great deal of risk. Just reading this site's comments section is enough to dangerously raise your blood pressure, and we've also got a special font which will make your monitor explode that we're waiting for the right time to use. Poised seconds from death at all times, Cracked readers are a natural audience for great bucket list ideas. We've tried to help you with that a bit below, avoiding the old standbys, and instead opting for more unique Cracked-esque experiences. Hopefully this will provide you doomed folk a unique and satisfying winter to your existence, or at least some amusing eulogy fodder.
Everyone puts skydiving on their bucket lists, to the point that it's now mentioned in a lot of skydiving advertising. But resist the sway of the powerful skydiving industry, and instead consider skybungeeing. Skybungeeing is an open concept sport which combines all the best parts of skydiving and bungee jumping in ways that aren't completely standardized yet. Does it mean jumping out of a plane with a bungee cord, and bouncing around a bit and then getting dragged along the ground in a bloody smear of a landing? Or does it mean strapping a plane to the ground and trying to take off and having the plane smack back into the ground?
This is the third way to go.Any way you go, you'll probably make the news.
Make The NewsSpeaking of which: Making the news will appeal to your primitive need to be popular and important, to fool yourself for a moment that you actually matter in the world. This should be easy; the 24-hour news cycle is constantly hungry for new material, and anyone even remotely newsworthy is bound to get bit of coverage. Whether you're newsworthy for some kind of legitimate feat or something better defined as a "spree" we'll leave up to you.
"Witnesses report the suspect was aggressively pantsless."
Touch Christian Bale's FaceBatman is the patron saint of Cracked, given our shared commitment to avenging our parents' deaths. And, as the most recent and successful actor to have played the Caped Crusader, Bale is the kind of person whose face you would probably like to explore with your hands.
Your hands to start, that is ...Anyone so beautiful must be kind, so we imagine Christian Bale would have no problem agreeing to such an arrangement. Failing that, we also imagine him to be very trusting, and not inclined to look too closely at falsified Make-A-Wish credentials.
Drive Around with Christian BaleAfter touching his face, we'd like to imagine that Bale would complement you for "not making it weird." Shortly after, he'd invite you to accompany him for a car ride in one of the many exotic sports cars he owns. Playful games of Peek-a-boo should wait until the car is safely parked.
This is the one we're thinking of.Experiencing the thrill of the open road with a high powered sports car is a great treat, although remember to not disturb his concentration to0 much, and only touch Mr. Bale's face minimally while he's driving.
Get On To and Then Kicked Off a Game ShowIf you have ever seen a game show, you can tell there's not a pretty high bar to leap to get on them -- any idiot in an "Give Me Ugly Babies, Drew Carey" shirt seems to get a crack at the prize. But no one ever gets kicked off a game show, and isn't that ultimately a better story? Climb on the Wheel of Fortune and yell at it, scream at it for being so stupid, and then run around on it like it's a treadmill. That's a story which will definitely make it into your eulogy, what with all the great parallels between death/life/treadmills and also escaping the clutches of Sajak/Satan.
"And in their final battle, the Sajak leaped on to the wheel to chase him, but the Sajak was thrown off, and fell to the earth, and cried."
Knock Over a Bunch Of Motorcycles at a Biker BarLife on a sitcom looks like a lot of fun, what with all the wacky misunderstandings, and unreasonably hot wives. This classic pratfall is a great way to sitcom up your life. This could be another fun thing to do with Christian Bale on your day together, perhaps while he waits in the Batmobile with the Batengine running.
"Just be cool. Be cool Christian Bale. This is going to work. Stop crying."
Cheat at a MarathonCompleting a marathon is a great accomplishment, and not to be diminished, except we are going to do that a little bit, so there. Because really, finishing a marathon only requires physical fitness and massive amounts of hard work. Treachery, the prince of human activities, doesn't enter the equation at all! So for the treacherous among you, try cheating at a marathon. This can be as simple as skipping part of the route, but for those feeling particularly treacherous, look into installing a Wheel of Fortune like device underneath the starting line, which will keep the legitimate competitors "spinning their wheels" for several hours while you slowly amble towards victory.
Dick Dastardly, Cracked's other patron saint.
Eat Something Really FancyEating a really expensive meal is a fine goal, a way to treat an often neglected sense. (For sense-satisfaction completionists, also consider adding "Smell Something Really Fancy" to your bucket lists). The fanciest meals are French, due to the general fanciness of the French culture, but don't neglect simpler dishes prepared with high-quality ingredients. A really good steak is of course a thing of beauty, and even something as simple as a BLT with a couple slices of penguin meat instead of the bacon will show you what flavor is at its most majestic.
Imagine the construction of this sandwich narrated by the soothing tones of Morgan Freeman, and you'll see what we mean.
Chop Down a TreePlanting a tree is a comforting way to know that something will be around for years after your death, and that in some small way, you made a difference in the world. Killing a tree does the exact same thing, and can provide better sight lines for the property you'll leave your children.
"Oh. There were just more trees behind it. I really should have checked that before -- sorry tree."
Throw a Hula-Hoop Around a Giraffe's NeckCracked readers will know that the giraffe is the most hilarious of mammals, and that using their necks as the focal point of a fantastic new, Harry Potter-esque sport is a great idea, and one they really should have had themselves already.
"Hey! Hey you fucking giraffe. That's cheating. Put that neck back up."
Visit Times Square for Christmas EveMidnight at Times Square on Christmas Eve is a magical time because of how deserted it is, unlike the sadly predictable festivities on New Year's Eve. Avoid the crowds! Avoid your family!
"3, 2, 1, Merry Christmas everybody! Every ... homeless ... body. Man you guys are sad. You're making me sad."
Learn to Listen to the PianoPlaying the piano is hard, and is these days something that's typically only done by people with Asian parents. Listening to the piano is far more achievable goal, and ultimately more enjoyable, as it can often be done while drinking, or while watching football on mute. Or, for that matter, while watching football with the sound on really loud.
Many pianos have an option that lets them play themselves on mute.
Cause an EclipseWitnessing an eclipse is also on a lot of bucket lists, but isn't that a bit humdrum? It starts, all the birds go insane, and then a couple minutes later it's over, and all the birds are like, "Whoa. I don't remember a thing. Did I do anything stupid? Did we ... did we sleep together?" But if witnessing an eclipse is lame (it is), causing one is not lame (it's not). Obviously, recreating a full eclipse is still in the realm of science fiction, but thanks to the magic of geometry, you can recreate your own smaller eclipse to enjoy with your friends and family, with the help of a crane and a largish object, like a bear.
Feel free to reuse your skybungeeing crane.
Put a Tattoo On Someone ElseGetting your own tattoo sucks. It hurts, and then halfway through you panic and run off, and you're stuck with half a Pikachu tattoo for the rest of your life. That's been our experience anyway. But giving someone else a tattoo? Someone who doesn't want it? That's just crazy enough to work. Or just crazy. Anyways, you're going to need a bunch of leather straps and one of those basements from the Saw movies, as well as access to a lonely rural highway to pick up drifters. Have fun!
The one with the blood shot himself after seeing his tacky barbed wire armband. The other one is begging to not get a Chinese character which means "Wok" printed on his lower back.
Solve a MurderHere we're imagining taking a trip to a British manor for a weekend hosted by a reclusive host. Arriving at the home, you meet your fellow guests, a bizarre group of wealthy socialites and lost souls. Soon the festivities are interrupted by a murder, which you then solve with the help of your date, Christian Bale.
"No, we can't both play Colonel Mustard. Because. Because I said so. Stop crying."
Race Around the WorldEvery bucket list in the world contains a half dozen entries about exotic destinations that the listee wants to visit, under the assumption that seeing the Eiffel Tower is some kind of immense character defining experience. But there's nothing special about the Eiffel Tower at all -- getting a really good taco provides about the same level of spiritual enlightenment. If you haven't figured it out yet, what really counts in life are the experiences. It's the story you had at the Eiffel Tower ("Christan Bale and I got caricatures!") that makes the whole trip worthwhile. And the best way to combine travel with a guaranteed experience is to turn it into a race. Find (and then anger) an eccentric millionaire ...
This one will do.... and wait how long it takes for him to challenge you to a race around the world. To keep things interesting, insist on using only homemade methods of transportation, the crazier the better, a condition the eccentric millionaire is sure to agree to.
He's got like 30 of them.Then, using the money and technical know-how that Christian Bale possesses, build your own round-the-world capable flying contraption ...
"What do you mean this 80-year-old comic isn't a "blueprint"? Just make it work. STOP CRYING."... and have the adventure of a lifetime! (Here "lifetime" refers to both your natural lifespan, or the length of time it takes Christian Bale to realize the gun you have trained on him isn't loaded, whichever is shorter.) ___________________
For more from Chris, check out The 7 Most Impossible Rock Stars to Deal With and The 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around the World.
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