11 Exam Study Tips for the Completely Screwed
Use a highlighter to color words in your books. This will make it feel like you're actually studying. Actually studying involves reading the words, which is also good, but much more time consuming, and frankly discriminatory against people who don't want to read.
Tip #1: Index Cards
Tip #3: Study Group Try joining a study group to help you prepare for exams. Assign sections of the material to each person in the group, then make that person provide a summary of the key information in that section to the rest of the group. Because the effectiveness of this technique depends on the people involved, finding the right study group is important. An easy trick for this: if you can't tell which one of your study friends is the dumb one, then it's probably you. This is thus an excellent study group for you.
Tip #4: Not Kidding Anyone It's time to just admit that you're hosed. There is no chance at all that you'll be able to pull this off, and if we're being honest, you'd probably be better off smacking yourself in the crotch with a hammer labeled "Self-Deception" then you would be by studying. With that taken as fact, the smartest thing you could do right now is just give up and stop wasting your time. Congratulations on making a very grown up decision.
Tip #5: The Shame But having come to that very mature decision, you can just picture your dad. And he's not one of the "I'm just disappointed in you" types. FATHER: -angry- You spent twenty eight thousand dollars to jerk off and play video games? Don't answer me. I don't want to know the truth. I doubt it's better. In fact I think I'm actually being pretty charitable describing your life. Yeah, you honestly can't live through several decades of that. So maybe it's time to buck up and find an alternative solution. Study-Ho!
Tip #7: Bomb Threats For the reasons described above (dads, yelling) bomb threats have become nearly ubiquitous on college campuses during exam season. Many authorities won't even delay exams upon receiving a threat now, unless they perceive the threat is in some way credible. So, make your threat credible by blowing up a smaller, less important building earlier in the week. The drama building for example.
Tip #8: The Ringer Browse your local dating website looking for people with pictures that look somewhat like you. Pretending to be someone else, Wink/Whisper/Poke/Diddle them to start a dialog, and over the course of a few private messages, see how smart they are. Eventually work the conversation around to them writing an exam under a false name in exchange for some sort of sexual favor. The success rate of this will depend sharply on how desperate people who look like you are for companionship.
Tip #10: An Offer They Can't Refuse After writing your exam, loiter around the exam room, attempting to be the last one to hand it in. When you do, shake the professors hand, thanking her for teaching a good class. Use this opportunity to slip her some cash, or a note threatening her cat's life. "Why did you write this using cut out magazine letters?" she asks. "I clearly know it was you who wrote it." Sprint out of there before she can find any more holes in your plan, and hide under a picnic table until everything blows over.
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