Come On, Buy These 5 Products (It's Not Rocket Science)

This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.

It's hard to evaluate the quality of your own education. What seemed like a comprehensive look into the realm of human knowledge to you might be seem like drunken finger painting to someone else. But that's no matter, because as any '80s movie that features a high school has taught us, real learning doesn't happen in the classroom. It happens in the heart. And in the brain, too, we guess. But our point is that in today's world, the only thing you need to be a super genius is the drive to do so and an internet connection. So with that in mind, here are some ways to boost your smarts ...

SitePoint Premium Courses Lifetime Subscription

During the early days of the internet, back when every website had a tiled background and an annoying blinking alien, you could land a lucrative developer job just by knowing basic HTML. Today's web is a little more sophisticated, but that doesn't mean it's any less accessible. Almost every web development skill, from navigating the insane tangle of constantly churning frameworks to working with "the cloud" (whatever that is), can be found online. SitePoint has tons of programming courses, e-books, and tutorials, and you can get a lifetime subscription to all of them for 88 percent off the normal $450 price tag.

Instaread Lifetime Subscription

You know that familiar feeling: You're hanging with a bunch of academics and writers. Someone references David Foster Wallace, and you exclaim, "Oh yeah. I know him. The boss from The Office." And then everyone laughs at you, forcing you to take your revenge on them. And you'd get away with your plot, too, if not for the Batman.

Yeah, we've all been there, and it sucks. But no longer, because now you can be a snooty cultural elite too. With a lifetime subscription to Instaread (available here for 90 percent off), you can use your phone to get the gist of any novel without needing to do that pesky "read the whole book" thing. All it takes is 15 minutes to learn everything you need to about an entire book. Now you can spend your time doing what's important: practicing your scholarly impression.

Virtual Training Company Lifetime Subscription

If you are starting to get a little tired of your daily grind in dog-walking, part-time Twitch streaming, or bullshit temp work, you're going to need more than your acerbic millennial wit to get a grip on any sort of career ladder. Virtual Training Company offers thousands of hours of vocational content for a wide variety of professions, allowing you to get some valuable work skills and finally rid your resume of seasonal jobs from high school. We know, we know. That semester you spent abroad was more valuable than any job experience ever could be. But since most careers will never be based around you saying "Yeah, but it's not like pizza from ITALY," we're going to insist you need more. Pick up a lifetime subscription here for 96 percent off the normal $2,500 price tag.

Task Pigeon Lifetime Premium Subscription

Although business culture loves to praise charisma and adherence to abstract strategies, being a great manager is really just 90 percent delegating and 10 percent staying near a Keurig machine. In fact, you could be a literal coffee pot and we'd wager you'd be the best manager out there, as long as all of your subordinates knew what they were supposed to be doing. Luckily, you're not a coffee pot, so you already have a leg up on the competition. And even luckier for you, Task Pigeon's team management platform will allow you to keep your corporate grift running as smoothly as possible. You can grab a lifetime subscription here for 89 percent off.

TruBrain Drinks

Obviously, the best way to get smarter is to try to learn things. But when your veins are pumping with cortisol and you haven't slept in 48 hours, you'll probably need some kind of chemical boost. Unlike those crazy supplements Alex Jones shills on InfoWars, this nutritional nootropic drink was designed by UCLA neuroscientists to improve focus and regulate stress without caffeine. See? Coffee pots have nothing on you. Get some TruBrain here and save over 50 percent.