14 of Norm Macdonald’s Best Dad Jokes
No contemporary comedian got more mileage out of corny puns and ridiculous punchlines than the late Norm Macdonald. He often shared his own father’s favorite joke, although that shifted depending on who he was talking to. Here’s one:
Roses are gray
Violets are gray
Tulips are gray
Because I’m a dog
When Norm was with Larry King, he shared a different supposed favorite:
Don't Miss
A fellow, Elmer, couldn’t remember, so he went to the doctor to get memory pills. They worked. Then his friend comes over. “Elmer, what were those memory pills you got? I want to get them. What are they called?”
Elmer couldn’t remember. “What’s the name of that flower?”
The other guy doesn’t know — there are a lot of flowers. A tulip?
No, that wasn’t it. You put it in a lapel…
A carnation?
Elmer said no. It’s long-stemmed, a romantic flower…
“Oh,” says his friend. “A rose!”
“Yes!” Albert says before turning to the kitchen. “Rose, what was the name of that medication the doctor gave me?”
Hoo boy. Fans on Reddit have been collecting more of the corniest jokes that Macdonald ever told. I’ve added a few of my own to amass this assortment of 14 of Macdonald’s doofiest dad jokes.
“Why do dogs get so excited when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them.”
“Johnny Depp has taken this Sexiest Man Alive thing, and he’s using it to his benefit. In his new movie, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, he’ll be doing full-frontal nudity. Yeah, it’s rated Arrrrrrrr!”
“Did you know all the planets in our solar system are named after Roman gods? Except Earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.”
“My wife dresses up like a nurse. I dress up like a nurse, also. We don’t even have sex, either. We just sit behind this huge, semicircular wooden desk and get annoyed when people buzz us for juice.”
“Greg Giraldo has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl and the eye of an eagle — ladies and gentlemen, this man is for the birds!”
“I always thought I was incomplete before I met my wife. Now I’m finished.”
“They say that English is the hardest language to learn, but to me it’s the easiest.”
“A new study found that men with beards are more attractive. More great work from the University of Bob Seger.”
“In my opinion, if you’re going to fight the war on terror, a good place to start would be this nation’s haunted houses.”
“I am a workaholic. For many years, I was helplessly addicted to workahol.”
“A Westchester parking enforcement officer stole $89,000 in quarters. How much laundry does this guy need to do?”
“In New York yesterday, it was so windy I saw Glenn Campbell in the street and his hair moved."
“Two strangers were arrested for having sex on a plane. You know who I feel sorry for? The guy in the middle seat.”
“They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.”
