This Is How Many Puppies ICE Barbie Kristi Noem Killed in Tonight’s ‘South Park’
In 2024, when Kristi Noem was still in the running to be Donald Trump’s vice president, she published a memoir. In the book, she admitted to killing her 14-month-old puppy Cricket because he had an “aggressive personality.” She tried using a shock collar before finally shooting the dog, writing, “I hated that dog.”
“It was not a pleasant job,” she wrote about the experience. “But it had to be done. And after it was over, I realized another unpleasant job needed to be done.”
It might be easy to forget her puppy-murdering tendencies as Noem has taken up the mantle of “ICE Barbie” as head of the Department of Homeland Security. What’s one sad story about a puppy named Cricket, after all, compared to the thousands of people who have been abducted, deported, tortured and terrorized under Noem’s command?
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But South Park proved it was capable of holding space for many unflattering truths at once in the second episode of Season 27. After we get through some pretty good bits making fun of the manosphere podcasts, we dive into a truly incredible 25 minutes of television making fun of Noem and the rest of the ICE terror squads.
Noem is first shown in an ICE recruitment video. “A few years ago, I had to put my puppy down by shooting it in the face,” Noem explains, before emptying her clip into a small puppy. “Because sometimes doing what’s important means doing what’s hard.”
The video continues, and as it progresses, her face starts to slip. I don’t mean her expression — her entire face starts to fall off. The video pauses as a glam squad of half a dozen gathers around Noem to reassemble her face. Before the recruitment video ends, she shoots another dog.
Later, when ICE is raiding a Dora the Explorer concert, Noem shoots and kills a service dog. Before the raid is over, Noem’s face starts to fall off again. At the next ICE raid, in Heaven, Noem kills another dog, this time with angel wings and a halo. After this dog murder, her face completely falls off and starts to run away.
The final canine execution occurs at the end of the episode, at Mar-a-lago. Noem guns down Krypto, Superman’s dog. Immediately afterward, her face falls off once more and has to be hunted down by ICE agents with their giant nets.
So, if you weren’t paying attention, that brings Noem’s total South Park puppy kill count for the episode up to five dogs. And between raiding a Dora the Explorer concert and actual Heaven, it hardly seems like her worst offense.
Well done, South Park. I hope Noem’s real-life Botox is all bunched up and frozen as she hears about the show, trying and failing to express an emotion.
