Steve Martin Once Wrote an X-Rated ‘I Love Lucy’ Parody
Steve Martin is clearly a man of many talents. He’s a stand-up comedian, an actor, a Grammy-winning musician and hands down the world’s greatest cat juggler.
Martin is also an accomplished writer. In addition to penning the screenplays for several of his films, including Roxanne and L.A. Story, he has a long list of published works consisting of essays, short fiction and novels. Most of his writing has been collected and re-published in the new book Steve Martin Writes the Written Word, including his 2000 novella Shopgirl. Somehow Martin resisted the urge to edit out the scene in which a woman risks a UTI by shaving her pubic hair with toilet water.
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One story that may be of particular interest to comedy fans is Martin’s condensed script for a nonexistent episode of I Love Lucy. But unlike most episodes of the classic show, this one is all about oral sex.
Martin’s “I Love Loosely,” first published in the book Pure Drivel, begins with Ricky entering the Ricardo apartment, where he’s greeted by Lucy. When asked what he did at the club that night, Ricky says it was “the usual — rehearsed a new number and had sex with an usherette.”
Lucy’s reply? “Waaaaaaa!”
“Lucy, don’t be silly,” Ricky argues. “It was only oral sex.”
Ricky confirms that he didn’t have intercourse with another woman, and reassures her by noting that such an act “would be cheating.” Lucy then calls up Ethel to ask for her opinion on Ricky’s “oral sex is not cheating” argument, which he claims is backed up by the Bible. She suggests that Lucy should check with the building’s Monsignor. Unfortunately, the Monsignor turns out to be Fred, wearing a false mustache and working on Ricky’s behalf. What a mess.
We probably don’t have to tell you that this story was originally published in 1998, smack in the middle of Bill Clinton’s sex scandal. Clinton, like Martin’s Ricky Ricardo, famously claimed that he didn’t have “sexual relations” with Monica Lewinsky because he didn’t believe that oral sex should be defined as sex. And Clinton had allegedly “voiced the view that the Bible says oral sex with another woman is not adultery.”
Further emphasizing the Clinton parallels, at the end of Martin’s story, it’s revealed that Ethel has been secretly recording Lucy, à la Linda Tripp. Ethel apologizes for the deception, and Lucy apologizes for getting the wrong idea. “Ricky, I’m sorry I thought you had intercourse when it was just oral sex,” she tells her husband.
In the past, Martin has said that he was “raised on” I Love Lucy, which would explain why his story feels so authentic to the tone of the show, other than the fact that it’s only three pages long and is full of X-rated references that wouldn’t be allowed on TV back when glimpses of porcelain toilet bowls were considered hardcore.
