John Early Is Figuring Out How to Be Sincere

As the star of the sharp new indie ‘Stress Positions,’ the irreverent comic works in a more serious vein. He tells Cracked why he’s getting comfortable with being earnest — even if he’s scared everyone will think he’s pretentious

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This Is the Shortest Marriage in the History of Matrimony

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This Is the Shortest Marriage in the History of Matrimony

For something that everybody spends a whole lot of their life trying to sign up for, marriage doesnt have a great track record. The approximately 50 percent divorce rate is bandied about constantly. Its not particularly surprising. Plenty of people regret getting a tattoo, and that costs way less. Plenty of us probably know about a wedding that was called off as the date approached, and reality began to set in. Once the knot is tied, though, usually its in everyones best interests that the two give it a real go, if only so they dont have to return their new Le Creuset.

Very short marriages do exist, however, and I dont think Id even really consider them that sad. Rip off that poorly considered, hastily placed Band-Aid before it really adheres to your arm hairs — and by arm hairs, I mean your personal finances and mortgage obligations. In the history of ill-advised marriages, though, I began to wonder, whats the floor here? Whats the shortest amount of time anyones ever been married? And shoo, pedants, with your unrequested explanations of annulments and sham weddings. No ones giving you Reddit gold here!

“Actually, fuck this.”

It turns out that the shortest marriage on record was a whopping three minutes, which means Ive spent more committed time with most shits Ive taken. The marriage in question occurred in a Kuwaiti courthouse, which, all things considered, is pretty convenient. Its like crashing your car into a mailbox while leaving the body shop. Reportedly, immediately after signing their marriage contract, the bride took a spill on the pavement outside, and instead of reaching out a helping hand to the woman hed looked to spend the rest of his life with, the groom called her “stupid.” 

In what was probably a pretty sound decision, she decided to turn this whole marriage around, walked straight back to the judge, and asked for an annulment. They complied, which they were probably pretty happy about as that just meant never having to turn in the paperwork. We can also assume that was a pretty awkward ride home, as I dont think couples generally take separate cars to their own wedding.

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