Here’s Why eBay Will Not Allow You to Sell Your Soul

My freedom to enter eternal servitude is being infringed upon
Here’s Why eBay Will Not Allow You to Sell Your Soul

With tax season upon us, especially for those of us who are freelancers (and thus bled like pigs by Uncle Sam), it is not a financially fun time. If you havent been saving up diligently over the course of the year, because youre not a huge narc, you might need some cash fast. Time for a quick scan of your apartment for valuable things you havent used in years that can find a second life… somewhere else, for money. Digital keyboard from when you thought you were going to “teach yourself piano”? See ya, feeble attempt to better myself, youre worth $400!

Of course, given the husk of an economy bequeathed to our generation, theres a chance that you might not have a lot of possessions anyone would want, period. The most valuable thing you own might be the PS5 youre still paying off on Klarna. In which case, you might think the solution is to go full Faust mode, and attempt to sell your soul. Unfortunately, if thats your choice, youre going to have to head down to your local crossroads with a bag full of cat bones, because eBay has already covered — and banned — this specific sort of metaphysical parlay.


“Fifty bucks? Should have set a reserve price.”

People have tried it a number of times, and eBay has taken down the listings without fail. In a hat-tip-worthy bit of legal maneuvering, they ban it because they dont allow the sale of anything that isnt either a physical (or digital) item or a service. Then, they went one further, I assume getting out ahead of somebody who claimed to have shoved their soul into a jar like leftover bolognese, clarifying that if the soul did exist physically, it would violate their rule against selling human parts and remains — a rule that theyve already had to establish thanks to people being freaks. 

Via Business Insider, heres eBays official statement: “eBay does not allow the auctioning of human souls for the following reasons: If the soul does not exist, eBay could not allow the auctioning of the soul because there would be nothing to sell. However, if the soul does exist then, in accordance with eBays policy on human parts and remains, we would not allow the auctioning of human souls.”

Aw, nuts! Back to googling “Lyft driver salary 12 hours day 2 months,” I guess. Though, honestly, if you are going to sell your soul, I’m not sure eBay is where you’re going to get the most value. Instead, dial up the man downstairs, and you could be a rock star for the rest of your life, as long as youre willing to be chased down and eaten by hellhounds when the contract pings. Which it to say: Selling to eBay is like taking a Rolex to Goodwill.

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