7 Disney Characters That Aren’t Mickey Who Are Getting Railed on DeviantArt As Soon As They Enter Public Domain

7 Goofy

In our heart of hearts, we all know how much we lust for Disney’s most famous… dog? His happy-go-lucky attitude, quiet confidence and massive shoes have made a whole generation curious just what he’s packing behind those slacks. They knew exactly what they were doing when they made his hat sort of look like a green penis shoved into the side of his head. The moment the bars on copyright jail rattle open, I’ll be looking for images that will forever stay between me and my Gawrsh.

6 Mushu

A smooth talker with a long, flowing mustache? This little lizard is just my type, baby. Even if he wasn’t capable of breathing fire, all he’d have to do is aim that mouth at my ear and whisper and I’d feel my temperature rising! Not to mention that supine, svelte body that looks like it was rolled out by God’s own hands like cookie dough. Plus, a level of flexibility that would make a yoga teacher seem like a statue! Buddy, the Huns aren’t the only ones who are coming!

5 The Clock From ‘ Beauty and the Beast’

I have a hunch that pendulum isn’t the only heavy thing he’s swinging around, if you know what I mean. I’m talking a big, rigid, wooden penis, one that I’d like to see rendered in all its glory by a horny art school kid with a drawing tablet. Apparently, his name is Cogsworth, which rings to me of family money. Jackpot! Forget the grandfather, this clock is a straight daddy. He could pound me for an amount of time I could measure by his face!

4 Jiminy Cricket

I love a man with style, even when that man is not a man and is a little bug. What can I say, I go crazy for a top hat! That’s how I ended up in three separate sham marriages with pick-up artists. I’ve recovered, even if my finances haven’t, and I’m ready to get hurt again! All I want is for this suave little cricket to leap all over me like I’m an abandoned bike on a country fence. When I see him peacocking in his tiny little spats, I can’t lie, something’s growing!

3 Aladdin’s Magic Carpet

You don’t have to worry about sharing blankets with this sexy swath of fabric! Even the best cuddler can’t hold a candle to the magic carpet from Aladdin’s ability to wrap you up tight, like one of those T-shirts for anxious dogs. You can keep your sugar daddy’s Delta Medallion status. I’m riding high on my new lover’s back, as long as I’m careful about shifting my body weight. You don’t need to show me the world, just show me whatever you’ve got going on under the fold! I might have so much rugburn I look like a man flayed and displayed as a message to medieval enemies, but are pleasure and pain not two sides of the same coin?

2 Mufasa (Cloud Form)

I see this cloud, and let me tell you, there is a high chance of precipitation! Meaning my jeans are soaked like a Louisiana gator wrestler’s! With age comes experience, and you can’t get any older than being dead. I don’t know if it’s just the sporadic lightning, but I’m definitely feeling a spark. Is it physically possible to have sex with a cloud? I don’t know, but I’m willing to jump out of a plane if it means I can get a couple seconds of aerial hanky-panky before I slam into the ground face-first and shatter like a drunk 21-year-old‘s iPhone screen.

1 One of the Brooms From ‘Fantasia‘

How about you dance right down those stairs and straight up my ass! Awooga!

Eli Yudin is a stand-up comedian in Brooklyn. You can follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @eliyudin and listen to his podcast, What A Time to Be Alive, about the five weirdest news stories of the week, on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever else you get your podcasts.