Late-Night Talk Shows, Please Stop Making Celebs Rap

Even though they now seem to be largely watched in clip form on people’s phones during morning constitutionals, late-night talk shows are still very much a thing. Making an effort to cling to some semblance of relevance, most of these shows are hell-bent on attracting eyeballs mainly by forcing celebrities to engage in a ceaseless parade of party games and other gimmickry to varying degrees of success, like a first day of summer camp that goes on forever with no end in sight.

One contrivance that has become especially tiresome: the celebrity rap. Several late-night hosts seem to be under the mistaken impression that having non-rapping celebs drop bars in interviews is cute and not, say, embarrassing as hell. 

The hip-hop genre somehow weathered the Limp Bizkit and P.O.D. rap-rock plague of the late 1990s, but can it withstand, say, Alison Brie freestyle rapping the plot of her new rom-com? All while Jimmy Fallon excitedly watches on, perhaps pondering whether or not he can somehow turn the segment into a line of NFTs?

Then there was the time Anne Hathaway performed a rap about the paparazzi on Conan O’Brien in “the style of Lil Wayne.” We regret to inform you that the first line of said rap is, “Yo, I’m a paparazzi, I don’t play no Yahtzee.” Yeah…

Meanwhile, Daniel Radcliffe was enlisted to cover Blackalicious’ “Alphabet Aerobics” on The Tonight Show for some reason? While Radcliffe seemed a tad reluctant, he presumably was happy to lock down three solid minutes in the show that for sure wouldn’t involve being asked about J.K. Rowling.

Even worse, Travis Kelce performing The Beastie Boys had real “It’s 3 a.m. and things are winding down at the karaoke bar, but this guy’s had eight Vodka Red Bulls, and I don’t think he’s going to leave” energy.

Note that while these musical tragedies will continue to unfold, at least we can take comfort in knowing our suffering is nowhere near that of The Roots actually having to witness this stuff in person. But, it’s not just Fallon that encourages this activity; the other Jimmy had Chris Pine rapping “Ice Ice Baby,” which he proclaimed to be “not a bad song” with “fantastic lyrics.”

Goddamnit, you were supposed to be the good Chris.

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