Dane Cook Is Having a Full-Blown UFO Freakout

Comic Dane Cook took a break from his regular Twitch gaming promotions to have an online panic attack this weekend, clanging the warning bells because HOLY SHIT WE SHOT DOWN A UFO AND WE JUST INSTIGATED AN INTERGALACTIC LASER WAR AND NOBODY IS PAYING ATTENTION!

The freakout started on Friday when a U.S. F-22 shot down an unidentified object in Alaska airspace. Did we say “unidentified object”? Wake up, people! The aliens are here!

From “what the heck is it?” to “a full blown attack on our planet” in three tweets must be some kind of record. It certainly had Cook on edge, imagining that “whatever world it came from” must be pretty irritated about losing its whatever it was. Surely, a full explanation was on the way. Right? RIGHT?

The government somehow wasn’t sharing potential military secrets hours after the fact, so it was time for Cook to call in the big guns.

Musk was oddly silent, guaranteeing he knew something, and Cook was going to get to the bottom of it (after a break to tweet about his Twitch gaming livestream. #danecookgaming). By Saturday, Cook had developed a new theory: The reason President Joe Biden and the military-industrial complex were keeping a lid on the situation was concern over Super Bowl ratings. Sure, our world might soon be in the middle of a real-life Star Wars, but that’s no reason for Mr. Peanut to lose his ad buy.

Finally, some answers. But not the right answers. In fact, just more questions.

Oh snap. ANOTHER ONE? Everybody into the bunker!

By Saturday afternoon, Cook confirmed his own worst fears: It was a UFO! (Well, at least it was unidentified. And flying. And definitely an object.) We’ll have to take Cook’s word for it though — the military still ain’t talking!

The comedy Instant Pot was cranked up to Pressure Cook by Saturday evening. Military strategy in taking this thing down? Questionable! Updates for Citizen Cook? Nonexistent! Whereabouts of the Alaskan governor? Who the eff knows!

With no answers forthcoming, there was nothing left for Cook to do but throw up his hands, head back to Call of Duty: Warzone and offer one final olive branch to our alien enemies:

(If by the time you read this, we are under attack by a vengeful space armada, our apologies to Mr. Cook — and may God save us.)