15 Good Modern Reasons To Become A Ghost
The phenomenon of the ghost is a well-known one, the general gist and rules of which are familiar to most people. Following this common knowledge, a ghost is created when someone dies with unfinished business still remaining on this mortal coil. That’s why most ghosts are weeping widows, and generally in a bad mood. However, some of us may want to become a ghost, if for no other reason than to know what the inside of walls feel like, but don’t have the requisite grand literary trauma that the role seems to require.
Not all of us can lose a husband in war, or watch a child die of consumption. With that in mind, here are 15 modern woes that I think should be enough to enter ghosthood.
Waiting On A Package
We all know the joy of ordering something mostly unnecessary, simply for the joy of receiving that beautiful treasure: an unopened package. The feeling of opening up a little treat is a short-lived panacea for any foul mood. So imagine dying on the very eve of receiving a bathmat from Amazon Prime. Horrible.
Never Saw Breaking Bad
Ghosts often tend to occupy specific rooms within a home, which makes the living room couch a perfect spot for the ghost of someone who never saw Breaking Bad. Not only did they die without ever seeing a top-notch television program, they never got the catharsis of telling their friends they finally got around to watching it.
Vacation Coming Up
The realities of modern labor are pretty grim. Most people work around the clock, and the term 9 to 5 seems almost as antiquated as the idea of retirement. So when you do get the chance for a vacation, it can be something you’re looking forward to for months. And when you get pulped by a dumptruck on your morning run, all that yearning has to go somewhere.
Pizza On Its Way
Imagine the last remnants of your soul wisping out of your mouth with your last breath, and as your eyes dim, the last thing you see is the uncompleted bar of the Domino’s Pizza Tracker. Knowing you will never get to enjoy that chicken-bacon thin and crispy OR those boneless wings is enough to keep any spirit around.
Died On A Friday
Right at the beginning of the weekend? Horrific. Double points if it happened on a Friday but AFTER work.
Hot Pocket In The Microwave
The time that a Hot Pocket is currently cooking is a time of great emotional shame and turmoil. You’re wrestling with the decision to eat a Hot Pocket, without any of the healing joy of hot cheese. As such, a terrible time to go out.
Finally Doing A Good Job Keeping Plants Alive
I’ve finally got a plant that doesn’t look like it belongs in a witch’s backyard and NOW is when I punch my ticket? Do you know how many phone reminders I had to set to keep a fiddle-leaf fig alive? I’m not dying until that thing does.
Never Seen A Monkey In Real Life
Monkeys are just an absolute top notch animal. You can watch videos, but is any life truly complete without trying to get a chimpanzee to press their hand up against the glass next to yours in his humid little prison?
Imagine a direct deposit hitting the bank account of a dead man. All that joy and relief unrealized. No bills paid off, no late venmos sent, no dumb impulsive 15 dollar purchases. A dark, dark thing.
Had To Pee
Ghosts seem to mostly exist as they were in their final moments. Which means, you could be forever stuck as a specter with an eternally full bladder. I am not sure if ghosts can pee, but you’d think if they could, we’d at least see the stains.
Someone Had A Crush On You
Every human wants a few simple things out of life, and one of those is to have some people that want to bang you. If you fall off a suspension bridge before knowing exactly who those people were, I think you should be able to stick around.
Too Many Emails
A mixture of both unresolved anxiety and guilt over leaving those assigned to deal with my affairs having to go through all 38,505 unread emails in my Gmail account is plenty enough to keep me from crossing over. Sure, most of them are from J. Crew or that one politician I gave $5 to 7 years ago, but still.
Needed To Update Windows
I kept saying “remind me in 24 hours”, and I promise you, I truly did mean it every time. Now, my soulless body is decaying next to a laptop with unresolved security issues. I’m not ready.
Uncancelled Gym Membership
This works perfectly as ghost fuel because not only is it unresolved business, I truly think I could spend another full eon on this earth without being able to successfully extricate myself from the rolls of the Planet Fitness I used to live near.
Never Had Abs
We all plan to have sick abs at least once during our life. For some, it’s realized. For others, we tell ourselves it’s not something we care about anymore, but we know on the inside our life has already hit its limit on suffering without adding crunches and eating rice cakes. And I feel that is reason enough to remain as a spirit, forever searching for a six-pack.