4 Beloved Characters (That Got Destroyed In Reboots)
While desperately clinging to old Power Rangers toys and memories of throwing up Crystal Pepsi in the parking lot of a Blockbuster Video probably won’t improve your life in any meaningful way, nostalgia is still big business. This is no more evident than in Hollywood, where studio executives continually find new ways to recycle old intellectual properties, lest audiences be burdened with fresh, challenging ideas or the hassle of learning new names. Recently though, some popular reboots brought back characters in bafflingly depressing ways, such as how …
Ghostbusters: Afterlife – The Ghostbusters Are Terrible, Terrible Friends
Ghostbusters: Afterlife finally gave fans what they seemingly wanted; the original Ghostbusters actors back together again … for like 4 minutes, only at the very end. Obviously, much of the movie involves Egon, his death, and his motivations for moving to a dilapidated house in the middle of nowhere. Amazingly, the revelation that he abandoned his family in the process isn’t Afterlife’s most upsetting plot development …
Midway through the movie, Egon’s granddaughter Phoebe is arrested and uses her one phone call to dial up the occult bookstore owned by Ray Stantz. When Phoebe brings up Egon, Ray responds that “Egon Spengler can rot in Hell,” which is pretty shocking because A) Ray and Egon used to be pretty tight, and B) he is talking to someone who is clearly a small child in distress.
Ray then goes on to explain why he’s being such a dick; apparently, the demon-busting business dried up once Reagan left office (checks out), but Egon informed his buddies that there was a rising evil presence and the “world was going to end.” Rather than help their good friend, who also happened to be a literal expert in the field of paranormal activity, and whose invaluable knowledge had previously thwarted the forces of darkness on multiple occasions, apparently, the other Ghostbusters just ignored him? Seriously?
The Ghostbusters’ perplexing gross irresponsibility led Egon to boost some of their equipment and head to Oklahoma – and despite knowing the exact reasons behind the theft, and Egon’s precise location, Ray and his other previously amiable buddies decided to just be petty jerks about the whole thing. Which is nuts; sure, some people had qualms about Luke Skywalker’s portrayal in The Last Jedi, but at least he never expressed a desire to have Han Solo tortured by Satan’s minions for all eternity.
And Just Like That … – Carrie Bradshaw is Useless in an Emergency
While Sex and the City fans likely wouldn’t have batted an eye to learn that Samantha had been eaten by a pack of wolves offscreen, the major character who did end up being killed off in the recent reboot series And Just Like That … came as a major surprise. As we all know by now, Carrie’s Husband John (AKA Mr. Big) tragically died of a heart attack, all thanks to his Peloton bike, in what was the worst product placement since American Airlines signed off on the commercial for child endangerment that was Home Alone 2.
When Carrie discovers Big slumped on the floor next to the shower, he’s clearly still alive. Sure, she’s obviously in shock, but a lot of fans were confused as to why she wouldn’t, you know, call 911 immediately. This was such a widespread criticism that Sarah Jessica Parker had to address the issue in an interview, claiming that Carrie eventually “came to her sense … called 911 and got all the help she needed from professionals."
But according to a cardiologist interviewed by Vulture concerning this very scene, Big’s fatal outcome was unequivocally “her fault.” The same expert claimed that Big could have been capably saved by EMTs or hospital staff, and “when he went unconscious and lost a pulse,” Carrie “needed to immediately start CPR. Feel for a pulse, call for help, and start chest compressions.” Why? Because “you can absolutely stimulate blood flow to the brain and the rest of the vital organs with CPR” – adding: “He didn’t need to die.”
And this isn’t information that would have been unknown to Carrie since Big (who, again, was her husband) had a history of heart disease; he had an angioplasty back in season six of Sex in the City, and Carrie even warned him about smoking cigars with his condition earlier in the same episode. Plus, Carrie was also just eight minutes away from a hospital, which none of her pithy voiceovers happened to mention.
The Matrix Resurrections – Morpheus’ Faith Got Him Killed In The End
Fans of The Matrix (the movie, not the simulation we’re all currently trapped in) likely weren’t taken aback by the revelation that, in the timeline of The Matrix Resurrections, Morpheus died – after all, Laurence Fishburne wasn’t a part of the cast, and Morpheus had previously been unceremoniously bumped off in a video game no one remembers.
But the movie’s explanation for Morpheus’ demise was even more of a giant bummer. As Niobe recounts to Neo, after Neo proved himself to be the prophesied savior of humanity, putting a stop to the robo-war by sacrificing his life, Morpheus was “unanimously” elected High Chair of the Council. But when “rumors” spread that the machines were up to no good again, Morpheus ignored these legitimate concerns, purely out of his faith in Neo.
So Zion – once the home of sexy, dystopian Fraggle Rock-themed raves – was destroyed, along with Morpheus and others who continued to believe in “miracles.”
This is especially sad because Morpheus’ belief in Neo, in defiance of his skeptical peers, was triumphantly vindicated by the end of The Matrix Revolutions – so to have that same character’s fate ultimately being to die horribly while waiting in vain to be saved by his buddy (who was busy making Matrix video games and sipping virtual lattes) is more than a little heartbreaking.
Jurassic World Dominion Turns Ian Malcolm Into A Corporate Sellout
While he still dresses like Leather Daddy Johnny Cash, Jurassic Park’s Ian Malcolm changed in several dispiriting ways in the recent Jurassic World Dominion. In addition to randomly shifting his views on dinosaur clones attacking innocent people, the Malcolm of Dominion is a massive sellout.
In the first Jurassic Park, Malcolm was the first to speak out against Hammond’s reckless plans, guided by his principles and his expertise.
And following the disastrous events of Jurassic Park, in The Lost World we learn that, rather than capitulate to any corporate pressures, Malcolm told his story to the press – only to be ridiculed for his fantastical accounts about rogue I.T. guys and half-eaten lawyers.
But when we see Malcolm in Dominion, he’s working as … the resident guru for a shady bio-tech company? He’s literally shacked up at a Google-like campus lecturing about the “ethics of genetic power.” One Biosyn employee claims that Malcolm “keeps us on our toes.” Incidentally, this is the same company that is simultaneously creating genetically-engineered insects in order to control the world’s food supply. Bang up job, Ian.
Sure, Malcolm ends up betraying the corporation in order to help his friends, but he still took the job in the first place. He’s supposed to be the moral core of the Jurassic Park-verse, but here he may as well have been making millions by lecturing Amazon executives on the importance of not forcing employees to piss into plastic bottles.
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Thumbnail: Universal Pictures/Sony