8 Characters We’d Kill Off In Your Favorite Sitcom
There are plenty of TV sitcoms that have killed off beloved characters, usually because the actors behind them were acting like entitled a-holes. What a delight for viewers when we learned that Charlie Sheen’s Two and a Half Men character got plowed down by a speeding train! When Isaac Hayes’ Scientology reps quit South Park on his behalf, the show killed Chef by shoving him off a bridge, impaling him with a tree branch, and feeding him to a lion. Now that’s comedy!
But why limit the fictional murder of sitcom characters to those played by irksome actors? Here are 8 more TV comedy favorites we’d like to eliminate -- and just how we’d kill them.
Why he deserves to die: Geez, where do we begin? He steals loaves of bread from old ladies. He drugged one of his girlfriends so he could play with her vintage toys. He got Babu deported. Plus, we’d get the added bonus of watching George, Elaine, and Kramer fight over who gets Jerry’s apartment.
How we’d do it: A number of the Seinfeld gang’s adversaries, including Babu Bhatt, the Soup Nazi, and George Steinbrenner showed up to testify against Jerry in the series finale. Perhaps they could collectively shove Jerry into a helicopter’s rotor blades as it prepares for takeoff. That visual would be great TV.
Mona Lisa Saperstein, Parks and Recreation
Why she deserves to die: Just listen to her.
How we’d do it: How about we throw the heads of poisonous snakes at her? You might think that once you cut the heads off of poisonous snakes, they can no longer bite you. You’d be wrong!
Chandler Bing, Friends
Why he deserves to die: I mean, could Chandler be any more hopeless and awkward and desperate for love? That speech cadence is so not pleasant to listen to. Homicide would be perfection. Did we just say “perfection”? Now he’s got us doing it.
How we’d do it: Pecked to death by a murder of rabid crows seems like a poetic way to get the job done.
Deangelo Vickers and Robert California, The Office
Why they deserve to die: We sunk into a months-long depression when we thought Deangelo Vickers was going to take over the Scranton branch. Once Robert “Lizard King” California showed up, oh, how we longed for the glory days of Vickers.
How we’d do it: In ancient Greece, criminals (or in this case, heinous sitcom characters) were locked inside a large bronze bull. A fire was built beneath the bull, roasting the screaming damned inside. Modern scholars aren’t sure this device actually existed or even worked -- but there’s one way to find out.
Why she deserves to die: She’s the subject of Internet think pieces like “5,637 Ways Marnie is the Worst” and “Is Marnie from Girls the Most Despised Character On TV or In The World Actually?”
Of course, maybe the reason we hate her is that, secretly, we are all Marnies.
… Nah, it’s just her.
How we’d do it: Lock her in a room and force her to listen to her own cover of Kanye West’s “Stronger.” Aaaaiiiiiiieeeee!
Related: We Are All Cam Girls Now
Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock
Why he deserves to die: "Come on, Lemon. What do we elites do when we screw up? We pretend it never happened and give ourselves a giant bonus."
Corporate scum. Did you know CEOs “earned” 254 times more than the average worker in 2021, up 7% from 2020? Death to Donaghy!
How we’d do it: The symptoms from ingesting thallium sulfate won’t appear for days. Colorless, odorless, tasteless -- just like Jack Donaghy’s disregard for the American worker. The results are slow and painful; the symptoms could be for any number of diseases so detection is unlikely. And it’s water-soluble so it can easily be slipped into any drink. We’ll serve it cold, with a slice of … lemon.
Related: '30 Rock's Gay Bomb Was A Real Thing
Pierce Hawthorne, Community
Why he deserves to die: The line between arrogant, casually ignorant, and occasionally racist Pierce Hawthorne and arrogant, casually ignorant, and occasionally racist actor Chevy Chase is a thin one indeed. Just to be certain, we’d better take them both out.
How we’d do it: We had some ideas involving a ball gag and rubber suit, but we were afraid Pierce might enjoy it. Better to have Abed stab Pierce in the heart with a mercury-laced icicle. By the time the Glendale Community CSI crew arrives, both the weapon and Abed’s fingerprints will have melted away. Now, what to do about Abed …
Zach Morris, Saved By The Bell
Why he deserves to die: Besides freezing time for snarky asides to camera? How about faking his own death so he could meet (and kiss) popstar Stevie? That time he encouraged Jessie’s speed addiction? Or when he stuck his tongue down Lisa Turtle’s throat, right in front of lovesick best friend Screech?
How we’d do it: Since Zack stabbed him in the back, it’s only fair that we allow Samuel “Screech” Powers to return the favor. Might we suggest the classic Japanese katana, one of the finest cutting swords in world military history?
And once Screech takes down Zach with a single bloody thrust to the rib cage, Lisa will know once and for all that Screech’s love is authentic and true. Who says sitcoms can’t have a little old-fashioned romance?
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Top image: Paramount Studios