The Man Who Was Killed By His Own Beard

A 16th-century Dutch mayor named Hans Staininger had the most magnificent face full of whiskers the world had ever seen — a hirsute magnificence that ultimately proved to be his undoing

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'Final Fantasy VII''s 'Red Guy' Mystery Is Still Befuddling Fans Today

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'Final Fantasy VII''s 'Red Guy' Mystery Is Still Befuddling Fans Today

The depths of Final Fantasy VII's code are home to many creepy mysteries, but the most mysterious of all lives near the surface. We're talking about an entity known only as the "red guy". He's not to be confused with the actual character Red XIII or Vincent Valentine, another mysterious guy who just ikes to dress in red. Mr. Red guy is just a tiny man wearing red armor who spies on the player from behind a crate in the desert prison area of the game. He's such a great spy that most regular players and even FFVII fans have beaten the entirety of the game without even knowing he's there. For most players, he'll look like this:

the basement we see in the game

Square Enix, FFVII Citadel

His skills elude even the hero of the story.

But some players have hacked the game, and found out that we're not alone when we visit the desert prison complex's basement, as it is inhabited by what looks like a discarded edgy steampunk revamp of Super Mario.

the basement as it really is

Square Enix, FFVII Citadel

Or maybe he's the long-lost son of the Ruby Weapon.

The hackers tried engaging, and only more questions ensued. We can't talk to him because he's actually not a character but rather part of the background (and therefore an interdimensional being). Its existence naturally spawned numerous questions, such as what the hell is it, and also why is did he choose to live in a creepy pit atop a pile of bones, bones way larger than his own? Is he just overcompensating? Did he murder a dragon and is slowly eating its bones? Should we even be messing with this thing? This is a very interesting case because even after data mining, we still have no explanation for what he's doing in the game. We welcome any sort of insight that could come from anyone reading this because it's totally plausible that this man knows how to bring Aerith back.

 

Top Image: Square Enix

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