Russian Authorities Intercept Dangerous Traitor Cell Of Hardcore 'Sims 3' Fans

Sims villainess


Russia is not a country to focus all of its attention on something as simple as the invasion of a foreign nation. Russian security forces have just proudly announced that they'd just foiled the attempted assassination of a big-time Russian television host by a cell of “Ukrainian Nazi assassins”. Below, BBC journalist Francis Scarr shows a bunch of pictures that show that, perhaps, the entire thing was an absolute(ly hilarious) sham.

On top of a picture of Hitler neatly stuck to a computer speaker (is there a more respectful place to put it, when you're legit #teamhitler?), a nazi shirt, a very conspicuous wig, and some fake passports, these totally real assassins also had not one, but three very dangerous copies of The Sims 3. The Russian security forces haven't divulged pictures of any possible accomplices because these guys don't exist are very hard to find, but America doesn't deal with terrorists, so we're opening an exception and helping Russia on this one by revealing a picture of the leader of this group.

The burglar from The Sims 3


The most basic explanation for the set-up to so prominently feature an innocuous video game is that the Russian government dislikes The Sims because it advocates for gay marriage, something worse than killing thousands of people, but that doesn't make sense. The series only introduced gay marriage in The Sims 4! Are the sanctions so dire that it's hard to find a copy of the more recent Sims game, or is the actual explanation even dumber? Well, Another journalist talks about the hilarious possibility that the Russian officers who staged this uncovered the conspiracy were told to find three sim cards because that always adds credibility to pictures of terrorist stashes, but they misunderstood that and got 3 copies of The Sims 3 instead.

A huge fire in a Sims house


pictured: The very real crime that could totally have happened.

As for motive, well, that's simple. They were sent by Ukrainian President Zelensky himself because he's jealous that he never got a job on Russian Television

Top Image: EA

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