Okay, people, let’s see what the world has to say about Matt Reeves’ take on the man who has bat issues in the new Warner Bros./DC film, The Batman:

Jacobin Magazine

CNET

Den of Geek

Rotten Tomatoes

Uh…that last one seems weirdly specific, but right, we get it. It‘s obvious that a lot of criticism against the movie involves its dark and gritty nature, and some people feel that the film could easily fit among a list of thriller-horrors. Also, it’s too darn dark, literally. 

Warner Bros. Pictures

What do they think we are, bats?! Wait…

There will always be criticism of any brand new Batman movie — and of every poor schmuck who takes on the role at first — but to all the angry critics upset over the fact that this isn’t their Batman from a decade ago or whatever, we say pack it up, boys! Find another emotion to channel, for no one will ever be as upset over “Batman turned dark” as much as young Danny Slaski, the kid who appeared on Faith Daniels' talk show, A Closer Look, back in 1992 to lament the fact that Tim Burton’s new Batman Returns movie was a blatant assault on kids everywhere.

To think, no one would ever have known how many kids had bath time traumas after what Batman Returns did to “ducky boats.”

Warner Bros.

An entire generation, ruined.

Sure, we can laugh at little Slaski here — who didn’t turn out to be a full-fledged critic and instead works as a product designer these days (a wiser choice) —  but in his defense, Batman Returns was way darker than what audiences had gotten up to that point. Even McDonald’s complained that they couldn’t come up with a kid-friendly design for a Happy Meal toy from a movie that had more creeps and blood and Danny DeVito looking like he’d totally eat a kid than any other Batman film before that. Just look at this clip of a deranged Michelle Pfeiffer murdering all these plushies.

Nah, look, we can’t go on pretending like this movie wasn’t the freakin’ best. In fact, we would suggest that there are two kinds of people in this world: The kid Danny Slaski’s — angry over things they may not fully understand and concluding that it’s somehow an attack on stuff they hold sacred for some reason — and the kid with the Carolina cap tilting his head at Slaski, wondering why exactly he, also a kid, should feel attacked. Wondering what kind of sheltered teen doesn’t get the inherent creepiness of clowns. Wondering why, if it was so off-putting for him, Slaski still watched Batman Returns twice.

Zanandi is on Twitter and also on that other platform.

Top Image: Warner Bros.

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