This article contains SPOILERS for Deep Water, a movie no one should ever have to watch.

Presumably, because he was bitten by Michael Douglas during a full moon, Ben Affleck is now making erotic thrillers for the first time (if you don’t count Mallrats). His new film Deep Water (not to be confused with the movie in which Mark Wahlberg pits his muscles against the worst environmental disaster in human history) was made so long ago, Affleck had time to begin a relationship with his co-star, Ana de Armas, break-up said relationship, and then fully cement the break-up by throwing out an Ana de Armas cardboard cut-out, which is apparently just a part of the life cycle of a Ben Affleck courtship.

Rounding out this Ocean’s 11 of rag-tag creatives behind Deep Water, it was written by Euphoria’s Sam Levinson and Zach Helm, the screenwriter of Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium – and it was directed by 81-year-old Adrian Lyne, best known for erotic classics like 9 ½ Weeks and Fatal Attraction, whose last movie came out 20 years ago

Now that we’ve had a chance to see Deep Water, it’s less sexy and more … bafflingly incoherent? If there was a last-minute twist revealing that the entire movie was just a computer simulation run by aliens who themselves were in a computer simulation, then it might make sense. We’ve highlighted just a few of the odder moments from the film, such as …

Ben Affleck’s Character is Way Too Into Snails

Affleck’s character Vic is having marital problems; his wife Melinda (played by de Armas) is having multiple affairs, often in public in front of him all their friends. After coming home from a party, the couple part ways --

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-- so Vic heads down to his garage, which is inexplicably packed full of snail terrariums. So while he didn’t get any that night, he instead spends the night watching his snails do it. Real weird, Vic. 

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Hulu

At least the production’s snail wrangler had nice things to say about Affleck’s handling of the snails.

Melinda Invites Her Boyfriends Over For Awkward Dinners

The first of Melinda’s boyfriends we meet is seemingly a Mad Magazine sketch of Kato Kaelin come to life. Melinda actually invites him over for dinner with Vic (who low-key threatens to murder him for a second time).

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We get that these dudes are super-into Melinda, but dating a married woman is one thing,  coming over for an ultra-awkward grilled cheese sandwich dinner with her and her bitterly jealous husband seems like a pretty insane hoop to jump through. But, then again, the dating scene is pretty rough these days. 

Ben Affleck is Responsible For Drone Warfare

Oh yeah, instead of being, like an architect or something, Vic is a computer genius who made all his money designing the chips used for military drones.

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Which is … kind of an intense detail to drop in purely to shade in a character’s backstory, no? 

Vic and Melinda Seemingly Abandon Their Daughter

See how their daughter was with them at the party? When they’re driving home from said party, she’s just … gone. Which allows Melinda to give Vic a blowjob in the car.

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Which might have been sexier if they hadn’t clearly abandoned their daughter in some stranger’s house moments earlier.

Vic Doesn’t Realize That the Internet is a Thing

Vic discovers that Melinda has a new boyfriend, a piano player. In order to find this man, whose full name he knows, Vic obviously just Googles him in two seconds – just kidding, he calls every bar in town and asks them if they ever have live music. Reminder: this man is supposed to be a literal genius.

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Also, he does this from the offices of the boutique magazine he runs because he has a passion for both drone warfare and journalism. 

There is a Random Cookie-Baking Session

For some reason, this adult friend group has more raging, drunken house parties than the cast of a ‘90s teen comedy, as they seemingly go to one like every three days. At one such pool party, everyone decides to … make cookies? Is that a thing?

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Unfortunately, everyone drunkenly embracing their inner Keebler Elf allows Vic to murder Melinda’s boyfriend in the pool …

Melinda Bluntly Accuses Vic of Murder, Like a Maniac

Melinda begins to suspect Vic is guilty of her boyfriend’s death, which we know because she very bluntly accuses him of murder, with no evidence, as soon as the cops arrive.

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Vic Threatens His Neighbor With an Electric Drill

Meanwhile, Vic’s neighbor, played by Tracy Letts, also suspects that Vic is guilty. So Vic lures him to his snail shed and threatens him with an electric drill.

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Hulu

Which is probably not the way to go when someone thinks you’re guilty of murder.

Vic Sure Sucks at Murder Schemes

Vic decides to murder the piano-playing boyfriend. His elaborate plan involves picking the guy up in his car, driving him out to the woods, and … whipping a goddamn rock at his head!

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What if he missed? What about all the physical evidence? Again, this man is a “genius.”

Ben Affleck Randomly Pours His Daughter Like a Pint Full of Wine

Despite the fact that Vic is routinely shown to be the more capable parent, at one point he pours his daughter, who looks to be about five, a glass of wine – and we don’t mean a sip, like a large juice glass full of wine.

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Hulu

The Ending is a Ridiculous Chase Between a Bike and a Station Wagon

In the end, Vic has to try and dislodge the corpse he ditched in an ironically shallow river (again, genius) and is spotted by Tracy Letts, who takes off in his station wagon, followed by Vic … on a bike.

Despite the fact that he could just go at, you know, a normal speed and easily outrun the bike, Tracy Letts is wildly swerving –

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And pursued by Vic who is now apparently played by Affleck’s biking double. 

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For some reason, Tracy Letts is obsessed with immediately letting his wife (who had the hots for Vic) know that he is for sure guilty. And instead of just calling her, he tries and fails to text her, thanks to that “goddamn” autocorrect.

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Which has disastrous consequences …

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Although at least this guy didn’t have to watch Deep Water. 

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Top Image: Hulu

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