Ketchup Packets Are Useless And I'm Tired Of Pretending Otherwise

I, like the vast majority of the population, am a french fry enjoyer. They are a beautiful and simple creation. With the slice of a potato and a bed of oil, a tiny stick powerful enough to make you forget all your worries can be created. The delivery of a wealth of these golden treats, in whatever container it may occupy, be it a sack, a box, a cardboard envelope, is a cause for a celebration and a high point of most weeks. Through the magic of science, cellphones, and to a lesser part, combustion engines, a bounty of fries can even be delivered to your home, to be enjoyed in bed like a little fry king.

However, bundled in with every beautiful parcel of french fries, I know there is another, pernicious passenger stowed away in that bag. One that rides in under the guise of assistance, but exists only to dull and slow your fry consumption. Ready to throw a wrench in the dopamine rush you could be experiencing. I’m talking about those tiny f**king plastic ketchup packets.

We are a modern civilization! We have landed on the moon! My phone recognized my face immediately before placing the order for the fries that sit before me now! Knowing all that, I’m to be told, I’m expected to BELIEVE, that a pile of plastic sacks that are a milliliter of ketchup away from truly being actual trash is the best option? Ketchup has been around for OVER A CENTURY. We have had so long to figure this out!

I, a human existing in the year 2022, with wireless internet rife in the air around me and the entirety of human knowledge sitting in a glass slab by my side, am expected to sit and slowly tear open 15 of these individual f**king things? Slowly expending time and mental energy so that I can squeeze a f**king dewdrop of ketchup onto a plate or cardboard box? Are you kidding me? The final injustice being that while I do this, my FRIES, the STAR OF THE F**CKING SHOW, are getting COLD.

Do you know the volume of a ketchup packet? I do, because I just looked it up, and it made me even madder. Each little packet contains .32 of an ounce of ketchup. Please notice the decimal point there. Yes, they put one third of an ounce of ketchup in a packet, and then thought, whoa, this is a little overboard, better scoop a hundredth of an ounce back out. That is less than 10 milliliters. Imagine filling a LEVELED tablespoon of ketchup. That spoonful is a ENDLESS BOUNTY, almost DOUBLE the ketchup contained in one of these useless pieces of trash. If cyanide was distributed in these packets, a 180-pound man would have to eat like 12 of them to even die.

Not to mention, how has the sheer amount of plastic wasted on these useless little cursed items not come under review? I have to drink cold brew through a half-dissolved paper straw but the Popeyes cashier throwing 18 of these in my bag every time I buy chicken tendies is fine? Meanwhile the BBQ sauce comes IN A LITTLE PLASTIC TUB THAT WORKS GREAT. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY. THIS MUST STOP. I WILL BEAT THAT DISMAL CLOWN RONALD MCDONALD UNTIL HIS FACE LOOKS LIKE MY KETCHUP STAINED HAND AFTER 15 MINUTES OF EXTRACTING A LOOGIE’S WORTH OF KETCHUP FROM THESE ACCURSED PACKETS. IF I HAVE TO SEE ANOTHER ONE OF THEM IN THE BOTTOM OF MY UBEREATS BAG I AM GOING TO BECOME THE JOKER.

Top Image: Hans/Tumisu