Back in 2021, Square Enix showcased Chocobo GP, a party racing title featuring the Final Fantasy series' beloved mascot whose initial promise has just been crushed by the discovery that the only difference between this prestige Square Enix title and a shabby free-to-play mobile game filled to the brim with microtransactions is the fact that it somehow also costs $50.

Chocobo GP's microtransactional hell

Square Enix

Was this made by the guy behind all those “You won a prize! click here!" scam websites?

One thing nearly as repulsive as these cash-grabbing menus is the version of the Chocobo they went with:

The classic Chocobo

Square Enix

It's not this one.

Oops, sorry. Very clumsy. It's this one:

Chocobo GP's wonky Chocobo design

Square Enix

The problem here isn't about how ugly he looks, or about how strapping jet-skates on chocobos ignores their inherent racing capabilities (as well as all animal abuse laws). It's the dumb reason why they chose to make chocobos look like that. Below is another image from Chocobo GP.

Chocobo Racer, Chocobo GP's awful spiritual prececessor

Square Enix

Just kidding. That's Chocobo Racing, a similarly titled and similarly looking title from '99 that also crashed and burned among critics and fans alike because the only thing it did with a passion was trying to profit off of our love for the beloved Final Fantasy creature. 

Chocobo Racer gameplay

Square Enix

Note: you don't beat Mario Kart by making a game that looks like the Mario Kart of the previous console generation

And that's not even the only plot twist. You've probably known this all along if you saw the game's original reveal, but Chocobo GP didn't release on the PS5, a console that sure could use a filler for that Mario Kart-shaped cavity all Nintendo competitors suffer from. This is a Nintendo Switch title, meaning that someone very high up at Square Enix really thinks this stands to compete against the reigning champion of both party games and friendship enders of all time. If there's one good takeaway here is that instead of just relentlessly investing in stuff that's popular a la Disney and Star Wars, Square Enix had the guts to try to make bank on something nobody has ever liked.

Top Image: Square Enix

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