Another year, another eye-rolling venture from people who jump on every get-rich-quick scam rather than actually do something environmentally sustainable or just, you know, not wholly for themselves. This one has the familiar crypto critter trappings of finding new ways to 1) pretend they’re uber-wealthy by adding some made-up value to their identities, and 2) do whatever it takes to keep that pretend value all for themselves — i.e., not pay taxes.

Cryptoland/YouTube

Because other dumb names have already been taken.

That up there is a still from an actual 10-minute animated video that some crypto people made to pitch their brand new venture called “Cryptoland” — an island turned into these people’s idea of a crypto paradise because even though they clearly think they’re the smartest people in the room, they apparently still believe in the concept of utopia.

Only their idea of utopia involves slapping some lame crypto pun onto every island palm tree, having old internet memes pop up all over the place in physical form because it’s sometimes hard to let go of jokes you laughed at when you were 15, and a “De-Stress room” that’s just a giant safe where people can Scrooge McDuck it and swim around in a bunch of … soft disk-y thingies?

Cryptoland/YouTube

Cryptoland/YouTube

Apparently, being into crypto gives you the type of amnesia that makes you forget how seas and islands work.

We cannot stress enough how absolutely everything on this crypto island will either be an internet meme that most of the population has moved on from because it’s just not that funny, or a crypto pun. It’s like Disneyland, only without the fun rides and any successful IP.

Halfway through this mind-melting video you start to wonder exactly who this Cryptoland investment pitch is for, especially when the big coin character (called *deep sigh* Connie) and friends suddenly bust out a Grease/Macarena mashup that is not only nauseatingly off-pitch but also, just, why?

And did we mention that the island in their pitch video is filled with around 80% men who desperately want to build muscles in the crypto gym because they have no idea how to talk to women? It’s an actual subplot in the video: How Cryptoland is both a place for crypto bros to come and do their crypto thing as long as they say “crypto!” every five seconds with enough enthusiasm as to appease the Crypto God, and also a retreat where a virtual Bitcoin will somehow teach you the secrets of talking to a woman. A woman, mind you, who refers to her purse as a “hardware wallet.”

Cryptoland/YouTube

Cryptoland/YouTube

Also, the majority of women in this video are part of the island’s service industry, because of course they are.

“Cryptoland” is a “physical metaverse” concept created by Max Oliver and Helena Lopez, a controversial pair in the Spanish YouTube community who claim to have already purchased an island in Fiji where their wild idea will soon come to fruition. Only, no, they didn’t, and probably won’t. The island seems to still be up for sale, and they’ve received a good bit of backlash after their pitch went viral. They’re even being accused of swiping assets in their 3D animation that belong to other artists, and did we mention that the island in question is only 600 acres? That’s smaller than Central Park.

What’s alarming, however, is just why they would garner any support when, upon being questioned over on a now-deleted thread on Twitter (that’s luckily been archived) about what Cryptoland’s age of consent will be, they replied, “Mental maturity should be more than enough! :)” 

Top Image: Cryptoland/YouTube

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