Animals have had their fun for long enough, transmitting diseases to us naïve homo sapiens, lapping up our high-quality toilet water. Look how the tables have turned. One of humanity's dumbest ideas has jumped species. Your dog doesn't have body image issues yet? Don't worry, we'll fix that. What? Were you going to enter your purebred into the prestigious Westminster Dog Show without a nipple job? Are you nuts?

Believe it or not, people are willing to waste thousands of bucks to prove their pet is better than yours. Destroying your kid's life to vicariously prove your self-worth is so last week. Now it's all about subjecting Princess to the horror that is the animal show circuit. And just like its human beauty pageant predecessor, this shit is getting out of control real fast. Canine prima donnas now have their own teams of plastic surgeons on staff to complement the stylists, social-media consultants, and dieticians.

Pets Adviser/Wiki Commons

"I know you use hair extensions, Fifi, you fake-ass bitch."

The world of non-medical animal plastic surgery procedures is booming. Before you vets out there lose your mind, we are aware that there are a lot of valid reasons pets need to go under the knife, ranging from excess skin, life-threatening deformities, and the like. Those reasons are primarily due to decades of short-sighted human endeavors to breed dogs into adorable abominations of nature. We're not talking about those lifesaving, corrective cases. We're talking about fake dog testicles and cat tattoos

The whole pet cosmetic surgery trend has a dark side, as designer pets are worth a boatload. Unscrupulous jackasses who wish to make a profit off their pooch are not beyond getting elective surgery for no other reason than to increase their value on the dog market, stud fees, and enhance their influencer appeal with occasional tragic results. According to some accounts, about a third of dog breeds have "modifications," mostly ear-cropping and tail-docking. 

Scientific evidence to support any claims that those procedures are vital is pretty flimsy. Breeders say a Cocker Spaniel needs its tail chopped off or it will look totally whack. Not their exact terminology, but it might as well be. Governments have taken steps to stop what they deem vanity-based "mutilation." Breeding organizations pout and claim they are being oppressed, preferring to view animals as Honda Civics to be pimped out with gaudy after-market spoilers and bass woofers to impress strangers on the internet.

Alexander Migl/Wiki Commons

“Nah, it's cool; the ‘R’ stands for rescue.”

Largely an anachronistic procedure that started with working/hunting dogs back in the Roman era, ear and tail surgeries don't make much sense in modern breeds that spend their entire day on the couch. The tradition remains firmly intact despite the risk of internal bleeding, chronic pain, and infection, especially in the sketchy world of cut-rate animal surgeons. You have to wonder how brave owners would be if it were their bodies getting painfully sliced, injected, and stuffed with plastic appliances.

It's less of a problem with turtles or snakes than the high-price animals. With all that expendable income comes the ability to redesign the poor animal who has no control over its life. Something as pointless as tail "blocking" in horses can lead to paralysis, incontinence, or death. To put such a noble animal through an ignoble last few weeks is nothing short of torture.

And where there's money and fame, there is inevitably botox. First-World problems call for First-World pharmaceuticals. Your camel lacking charm? Is its upper lip not droopy enough? Are its lumps pathetically flat? These are the dilemmas facing participants in The King Abdulaziz Camel Festival, the Bedouin variation of the West's glitzy dog shows. Dromedary freaks are willing to risk it all in an attempt to make their camels look more, uh, camelly

How far? For $66 million, they'll inject any drug or implant any fake hump necessary to bring home the prize. To protect the reputation of camel beauty pageants, the Saudi organizers have disqualified over 40 camels for being artificially manipulated, with the help of x-rays and a team of chemists to sniff out the cheaters and their suspiciously sexy camels. Is nothing sacred anymore?

Mstyslav Chernov/Wiki Commons

Yeah, we're looking at you, Farooq.

Top Image: Kimulechka/Pixabay

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