One of the most popular movies in the world right now is Netflix’s The Mitchells vs the Machines, about a robo-apocalypse in which a smartphone OS turns on humanity with the help of an army of sophisticated androids and electrical appliances -- so basically Maximum Overdrive, but kid-friendly and not powered by cocaine. One of the most memorable sequences in this delightful film involves a shopping mall full of evil, bloodthirsty … Furbies?

The moment is obviously supposed to be funny; after all Furbies aren’t scary -- unless you remove their fur, exposing them for the Skynet-like nightmare creatures they truly are.

But long before The Mitchells vs the Machines, a non-insignificant portion of the population actively feared the Furby. When they were first released, Furbies inspired a surprisingly wide range of paranoid fantasies, most notably from the United States government. Back in the ‘90s Furbies were banned by the NSA and the friggin’ Pentagon. Why? Out of fears that they would record classified information, which wasn’t actually a thing Furbies could do. Presumably, Teddy Ruxpin is still being detained in a CIA black site.

There were also concerns that Furbies were teaching kids swear words, monkeying with electronic medical equipment, and had the potential to launch space shuttles. And, look, we’re no experts on aerospace technology, but we have to imagine that NASA’s security system can’t be bested by a candy-colored Gizmo knock-off that runs on AA batteries. And in recent years, there were renewed concerns that the new Bluetooth-enabled Furbies could be vulnerable to hackers. So really, The Mitchells vs the Machines represents the culmination of two decades worth of Furby-based terrors. And now we don’t have to be afraid of Furbies ever ag -- [Searches “custom Furbies” on Etsy]

Etsy.com

Oh dear god.

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Top Image: Netflix

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