6 Ridiculous Rejects From The Island Of Misfit Toys
Sometimes, things just fall through the cracks. There will be mistakes or overlooked details in the process that just go unnoticed with just about any creation. Punctuation mistakes. Maybe a slight photo editing error on a book cover. Who knows. They happen. But then, oh then, there are such egregious and unbelievable mistakes that they leave us thinking they're either intentional or the work of the most genuinely naive team imaginable ...
Shape Shifters Punisher Will Shoot Your Eye Out
Not sure what the big deal is here? That is definitely the Punisher. Just hanging out, being the Punisher, or whatever.
Oh, shit. He went, and SHAPE SHIFTED. C'mon, Frank. You swore that you were going to Shape Shift into something else for once. We've all seen the rocket dick before. Hulk Shape Shifted his fists into even bigger fists, and Spider-Man did us a solid and turned his legs into tank treads, but this? Again? It doesn't even work that well. It never goes all the way up, barely shoots anything at all, and you're always spending most of the time telling us how this has never happened before.
This is obviously incredibly poorly thought out, but honestly, it kind of works. If anyone would strap a rocket hog on themselves, it would be the Punisher. His only actual superpower is that he has the ability to harness the negative energy of every divorced dad stumbling around Dave and Busters across the country. This dude is purpose-built to fall for some kind of male enhancement scheme. The Punisher's search history is probably littered with Googles of: "Bigger dick pills," "Anyone got pills that can make my hog bigger?" "Took some bigger dick pills, and I only grew tits." "Can I still be the cool Punisher guy with huge tits?" "These tits are getting really out of control," "Sweet military vests that cover up my tactical D-cups," and "Thin blue line flags for my living room."
Rad Repeatin' Meat Beatin' Tarzan
This is "Rad Repeatin' Tarzan," and as you can see, this dude just won't stop repeatin'. When you move Tarzan's hand, he starts absolutely cranking it. I have no clue what the designer's ideas were as to what else he could be doing? And guess what? If that is what they were going for, they were probably actually on to something. If Tarzan were a real thing, a feral dude raised in the wild by apes, I'd bet that 90% of his day would be consumed by beating the hell out of his meat. He'd watch his ape buds do it, try it, and then basically never stop pounding that jungle hog. What the hell else is there to do out there? Poor Jane, though. Stumbling on this fucking scene. "Alright, so ... I mean, I found this cute guy in the woods or whatever. Like, he's super buff and hot. He is also absurdly good at finding vines all over the place and connecting them perfectly to each other to make a cross-jungle traversal system. Like, wow. It's very impressive. But there is one thing about it. Just one. He straight-up jerks off all day long. Just absolutely killing his dick. Over and over again. This Tarzan guy has a problem."
Like Rocket Cock Punisher above, these are the kinds of toys that make me feel as if nobody ever played with them before they got sent out. There is absolutely no way that this even had one pair of eyes on it before it went into production. Throw two people in a room with that thing, and they're going to turn to each other at the same time and say, "Hey, does that look like Tarzan's just absolutely beating the hell out of his dick?" What's even better is that when you press the jerk off button, Tarzan does his classic yell alongside it. I want to see the extended cut, where after Tarzan finally comes, that bestial, manly, proud yell turns into a ... "Oh, god. Oh, goddamn. I'm disgusting. Jesus. Look at me. I was the king of the jungle. Christ. I need to clean this up and go do something with my day."
E.T. F.L. (Finger Light)
Ah, yes. E.T.'s iconic ... finger. This is E.T.'s finger, you guys. This is just E.T.'s finger. When you look at this, that is what you see. You see E.T.'s finger that touched Elliot and brought him back to life. E.T.'s cool little finger with magic powers and absolutely nothing else. That E.T. finger that he memorably whips out and puts on that kid's head. E.T.'s finger over here.
Out of all of these, this is maybe the one that makes me simply ask, how, the hardest. There is no world where this isn't E.T.'s skinny little dildo dick. None. It's not even remotely close to E.T.'s skin tone. It is just a regular little white guy dick. This was just a case of the guy at the dildo factory screwing up and desperately finding a way to break even. Staring at these hideous, malformed E.T. dicks. A sea of them. Swimming in E.T. dick wondering how he will save his floundering dildo operation. Sucks back the last drop on his bottle of whiskey, and it hits him. Looks over to Spielberg, who just kind of hangs around the dildo factory most days, cuts a hole in the bottom of the dildo, and shows it to Steve. Lightly touches him on the forehead. Steve lights up and nods. Dollar signs glowing in his eyes, he has to say nothing at all. The two high five as George Lucas sails above, performing a swan dive into a pool of anal beads just beside them.
Balzac Is Balls
We're sure no takes of this commercial ended in the cast breaking into immature giggling. Nope, not a one.
The Balzac makes the list for a different reason than the rest. If you read that first sentence, you probably know why. I love the Early 90s forced attitude just oozing out of this thing, and they went a step further by simply calling it a ball sack. Because, well, that is quite literally what it was for the most part. You would put a balloon inside of this thing, and it would become a pretty indestructible ball. It actually worked pretty well and did its job, but we are going to go ahead and spend some time on that name for a few. That is a working title. A fun goof for the guys who developed it to call it with a snicker in their meetings until Brett in creative can throw out some names that might be more suitable for the audience. That just makes me wonder, though, if this was actually the best that Brett in creative had, and they had to run with it during an extremely quick deadline.
*Boss sits down at the head of the conference table*
Boss: "Alright, well, we've got the ... Balzac ..."
*Conference room of idiots chuckle*
Boss: "It looks great. But we need to get it out the door immediately. Thankfully, Brett has been spending six months on names for this. Hit us, Brett."
Brett: "Great. Well, as you know, I've been really pouring a lot of thought into this one. The company even expensed that trip to the Tibetan monastery to get the clarity I needed to think about it. So I've brought my top three heavy-hitter names that are going to make this the hottest selling toy of the decade. You ready?"
*Conference room attendees lean forward in anticipation*
Brett: "Number three ... The Testicle Tosser."
Brett: "Okay, okay. No problem. Number two ... Kid Balls. Or Ballz. I meant Ballz. With a Z."
Brett: "I mean, there is a Z in there. It's good, goddamnit. Okay, fine. Brace yourselves. Number one ... Big Balls For Kids That Kids Just Throw And Shit But They Don't Break Ever."
*Brett looks around for a reaction. The boss stands up and shoots Brett in the head*
Boss: "Jesus Christ. We're out of time. Just throw a Z in ballsack or something and put this thing out there."
Mr. Bucket Buckets Of ... Uh ... "Fun"
Ahh. K, we get it.
I'm Mr. Bucket
Toss your balls in my mouth
I'm Mr. Bucket
Out of my mouth they will pop
I'm Mr. Bucket
The balls pop out of my mouth
I'm Mr. Bucket
A ball is what I'm about
I'm Mr. Bucket
We're all gonna run
BUCKETS OF FUN!
We don't have to limit ourselves to the design on these things when it comes to just how perverted they can get. Mr. Bucket took an already-dubious concept and cranked it up to a million with their advertising campaign. In the Mr. Bucket commercial above, an absurdly-creepy voice actor delivers those lines verbatim, as kids run all around him. The goal of Mr. Bucket, you see ... is to track down Mr. Bucket ... and jam your balls into his mouth ... until he just can't take any more balls and has to start spitting them out. Then ... well then ... YOU RUN.
I'm pretty sure before you bring Mr. Bucket home, you have to go to every door in your neighborhood, letting them know you're doing so. They didn't even try to make this thing less perverted. Mr. Bucket in the name alone is the stuff of nightmares. The absurd laziness of this era of toys is what gets it into so much trouble. The way that they skip any sort of testing before anybody with a slightly critical eye. Not even a perverted one. Someone comes up with an idea, and they fucking run it. There is no go-between. You almost have to respect that. If Perverted Phil finally gets his shot at designing a toy and he has always dreamed about Dr. Hat, a hat you throw into the air and have to piss into to bring it back to earth, then goddamit you will have Dr. Hat on shelves within a month and a nationwide commercial campaign with kids giving golden showers to a neon plastic hat and there's not a goddamn thing anyone can do about it.
Midge, The Barbie With A Baby
What do you see here? Probably not a lot if you're a properly adjusted human being. But shoppers at Walmart in the early 2000s were clearly not that, because they had this innocuous doll pulled from the shelves. This one is a great way to show that you don't necessarily have to be like the overtly inappropriate toys above to still draw someone's attention. Apparently, Midge here, Barbie's lifelong best friend, was far too scandalous for shoppers because their kids might get the idea that women can ... get pregnant? And have children? Though she was sold as part of a set with her husband, shoppers saw only Midge and were not only horrified at the idea of a woman being pregnant ... but ... and brace yourselves here ... a SINGLE WOMAN being pregnant.
Imagine this scenario. You're walkin' around Walmart with your kid in the early 2000s, and you're about to get pissed off about a toy. Anyway, you're wonderin' if you remembered to lock yer Dodge Neon with the sticker of Calvin pissin' on Bin Laden when your daughter, Darla, grabs this figure. You pass the F OUT. When you come to, she's still holding it. You've shit your pants and vomited all over yourself, but you power on. You SLAP the toy from Darla's hands and march yer shitty pants over to the 16-year-old worker in the toy section. You pull out the replica Highlander the TV series sword you carry everywhere and hold it up to his throat. You watch as fear dances across his eyes when you tell him that he must burn every one of these out of wedlock, but not actually out of wedlock, toys in stock and tell Sam Walmart to pull them from stores across the nation or you're going to drive your Dodge Neon so far up his asshole that the rear bumper Truck Nutz dangle out his mouth. He nods, yes. You sheath your sword down your jean pant leg that's filled with shit and take your daughter away. You buy six erotic novels and get Darla a two-liter of Great Value brand Mountain Dew for being a good sport. You rock. You made a real difference.
Top image: Milton Bradley, Mattel