6 Bizarrely Stupid NPC Glitches In Big-Budget Video Games
Isn't it kind of sad that non-playable characters play such an important part in making a video game world feel real and only ever get paid in bullets to vital organs? While most NPCs live and die without ever becoming aware of the massive role they play, some rare glitches seem to make them wake up and go mad with the realization -- and we love to see it ...
The Irredeemably Weird NPCs Of Red Dead Redemption 2
The world of Red Dead Redemption 2 features bears, serial killers, serial killer bears, aliens, and yet, nothing that surpasses the weirdness of its unintentionally bonkers inhabitants. A player documented an altercation where this random NPC loses it and rushes into the middle of a fight to give another NPC a brand new neck hole for no reason.
This is the wild west, where altercations based on "HOW DARE YOU STAB ME WHEN I'M STABBING YOU?!" are a dime a dozen, but they're meant to happen between NPCs and the player, not between NPCs when they're trying to kill the player. The game is aware that players are the intruder; it wouldn't betray itself, would it? Did this single NPC gain sentience and decided to double-cross NPC-kind? is he a serial killer who let the mask fall off? We'll never know.
However, it's not all just throat remodeling and digital betrayal. Enter "Bald Guy", the Slenderman of the wild west. Bald Guy might appear out of nowhere and start to walk behind players like a regular creep would ... until you notice he's floating and see-through, like a Ghost of Perverts Past. Unlike Deep (hole in the) Throat, the bald man has appeared not just to one player but to several who have documented his absurd and creepy existence.
Maybe "Bald Man" is actually not one man, but a bunch of lookalikes who all happen to have the creepiest superpowers ...
... but chances are that our collective anti-baldness bias we'll never allow us to find the truth about this cursed man.
Maybe he just needs help finding his weird horse.
The Real Ghost Of Tsushima
Ghost of Tsushima supposedly tells the story of an honorable Samurai who goes by "ghost" when turning to less-than-honorable combat arts. But what if the ghost in the title is a reference not to the feudal Japanese equivalent of a leet haxxor but to an actual ghost doomed to haunting the realm forever?
(Hint: keep an eye on that wall in the background)
A couple of other players have presented a clearer view of the Ghost of
Tsushima Andre The Giant chokeslamming random passersby:
She's in every game, always in the very same spot, just forever eating shit by slipping on the ghost of a banana peel. Meanwhile, the entirety of video game Japan's chiropractic community rubs their hand together as cash register bells go off in their heads.
The Best Assassin's Creed Mythology Is The Accidental One
The Assassin's Creed series found success in the blending of cool historical eras with bullshit future trash. When Ubisoft released Assassin's Creed Origins, the franchise added a new tangle -- accidental animal god creations:
This special creature seems to have been a gift from the Egyptian god of glitches -- who makes the animals in the game spawn in humanoid poses that the game then completely fails to deal with. It's an interesting error considering Origins is about Egyptian mythology, and we're pretty sure we missed this guy hanging out with Sobek, the croc god:
But the series has surely evolved since Origins, right? Yeah, evolved from weird-ass human-animals to weird-ass human-humans, like giant ogre kids.
The Division 2, A Sequel To The Division ... And The Exocist
Meet Drone Operator, one of the NPCs tasked with helping the player divide the rival divisions, or whatever it is that you do in The Division 2.
While at first glance she might look just like any other NPC, there are a few giveaways to the fact that she might be a robot herself -- other than the fact that she doesn't even have an actual name, that is.
Unlike the other NPCs in the control room, she's ultra-fast and moves in ways no human could hope to achieve unless placed in a giant washing machine set to wash away stains left by their constant cocaine nosebleeds. She's so good at whatever it is that she does that she flexes about it by getting possessed by the demon Pazuzu.
Fallout 76's Thieving Companions
One thing we expect from our NPC companions in video games is attempted help. Yeah, shoddy coding usually prevents companions from providing anything better than added difficulty, but the good intention is always there.
Fallout 76 is a revolutionary title in that it's the first game to make people hate Fallout AND the first to introduce companions that actively work against the player, even though no one programmed them to act that way. Dying in Fallout 76 doesn't prompt a game over screen, but rather the possibility of coming back to life to get your stuff back and get even. Whether your companions are aware of the player's possible return or not, they don't really seem to care, as they'll loot the players' corpses and take off with every last good piece of equipment.
Funniest of all, even if players wake up and try to retrieve their stuff, a second glitch binds the items to the ex-companions' traitorous bodies and renders them impossible to recover.
Cyberpunk 2077 Teases The Dumbest Future Cure For Paralysis
Though Cyberpunk 2077's launch was so catastrophic it still hasn't stopped burning from the crash, there are two things the game does well: glitches and reminding everyone that being poor is still gonna suck in the future. Cyberpunk's Night City shows players that regardless of technological advancements, an unfair society will always leave many behind. No, we're not getting smart about the CD Projekt Red fooling people into pointlessly trying to play the game on old hardware -- we're talking about the inclusion of wheelchair-bound NPCs who cannot afford robot legs. And that's as far we'll be able to praise the game because one glitch makes it look like the handicapped NPCs are actually faking their disability. Either that or there's seemingly a cure, and that's cruel violence, as evidenced by videos of players punching people on wheelchairs back to health.
As soon as the players' fists miraculously heal the guy's spine and inspire him to run away like there's no tomorrow, players might begin to think they're some sort of cyber messiah. A beautiful thought, but sooner rather than later, Night City reminds everyone of its grim and inescapable nature by materializing a new fake paraplegic to take the other's place.
Catch Tiago Svn constantly glitching out on Twitter.
Top image: Ubisoft, Bethesda Softworks