This piece was written by the Cracked Shop to tell you about products that are being sold there.

Who doesn't love a good massage? Well, nyctophobes, haphephobes, and people afflicted by several other types of phobias. But even if you have a phobia, you can probably get down with a massage gun (unless your hoplophobia is really, really bad.) Regardless, massage guns are the cheapest way to get a professional-grade massage right at home, and right now, you can get a bunch of them on sale. Check it out!

Tekjoy Shiatsu Kneading Massage Pillow with Extended Velcro Strap

MSRP: $69

Sale Price: $44.99 (35% off)

Who hasn't sat in a massage chair at a mall Sharper Image for so long their parents forgot about them and left them behind? You can recreate that feeling of contented abandonment whenever you want with this massage pillow.

Mini Portable Fascia Massage Gun

MSRP: $99

Sale Price: $69.99 (30% off)

Just try and not say "Pew pew!" when you're obliterating muscle pain with this handy portable fascia massage gun.

Actigun: Percussion Massager

MSRP: $199

Sale Price: $84.95 (57% off)

This massage gun has an AI smart chip to actually communicate with your muscles to identify the right treatment for them. So far, it has not commanded anyone's muscles to start a cyborg revolution, but if it helps, we don't know that it won't.

Evertone(TM) Prosage Deep Tissue Massager

MSRP: $149

Sale Price: $96.99 (34% off)

The picture may look a little intimidating, but remember, you want your muscles to be intimidated. This guy will intimidate them right into acting right.

BackOSage(TM) 8-in-1 Decompression Massage Belt

MSRP: $199

Sale Price: $112 (43% off)

If you feel like you should be living in the bell tower of Notre Dame after sitting at the computer day after day, this thing might help you. It's got eight settings to help improve your posture and reduce back pain so you can at least give that bell your all.

The Backmate Power Massager

MSRP: $149

Sale Price: $119.99 (19% off)

"Oy, mate!" you'll cry out in an authentic Australian accent every time you break this massager out. And then it'll make your muscles feel nice. Sweet.

BioGrit Massage Gun + 8 Replaceable Massage Heads

MSRP: $449

Sale Price: $139.99 (68% off)

You know what they say: The more replaceable massage heads, the better! Well, let us tell you: This baby has massage heads to spare. Just a metric grip of massage heads. So many massage heads that you'll be like, "How could I possibly use all these massage heads?" But you will.

Foot Vibe Deluxe Massaging Footrest

MSRP: $165

Sale Price: $149.99 (9% off)

You might not have someone who is willing to rub your feet at the end of every day, and even if you do, this massaging footrest is almost certainly better. It asks no questions, issues no complaints, won't bring up your one weird toe, and can rub until your heart's content.

FusionX Heated Massage Gun

MSRP: $299

Sale Price: $199.99 (33% off)

You know when they put the warm rocks on your back during a Thai massage? This is both exactly and nothing like that. Point is, it'll make your muscles feel nice.

JAWKU Muscle Blaster V2 Cordless Percussion Massage Gun

MSRP: $299

Sale Price: $259.99 (13% off)

With a name like Muscle Blaster, Greedo probably wishes he had this baby before confronting Han Solo in the Mos Eisley Cantina, right?! Get it? 'Cause it's from JAWKU? Whatever. You're no fun.

Get the Cracked Daily Newsletter!

We've got your morning reading covered.


Forgot Password?