Good news for everyone who desperately wanted to see the further adventures of Die Hard's John McClane ... even in the form of a two-minute commercial for auto parts. Living up to her name, Bruce Willis' daughter Rumer shared a mysterious video on the weekend teasing the return of her dad's famed action hero, complete with the hashtag #DieHardisBack.

While some fans likely assumed that this was all in the service of a new Die Hard movie, those of us who have been burned before quickly deduced that this was probably just tee-ing up yet another flashy commercial in which a pop-culture icon from your childhood returns to soullessly hock some dumb product you'd never buy. And, yup, that was totally it. The whole thing turned out to be a lengthy spot for ... DieHard car batteries.

It's not just a commercial though, according to the YouTube title, the ad is actually a two-minute "film."

So let's just take a moment to untangle this paltry cinematic work and see how it fits into the larger Die Hard franchise. 

The ad opens with McClane, parked outside of an empty construction site. Why? Well, it's been seven years since A Good Day to Die Hard, perhaps the McClane of 2020 has been forced to take a gig as a construction worker.

McClane's car won't start, so he has to schlep into town to get a new battery. The streets are empty, and there are Christmas lights on the trees -- sadly implying that McClane is spending the holidays, not with his family, but alone at an abandoned dirt pile for some reason. 

Then John spies Theo, the computer wizard from the original movie, in a nearby restaurant. And he ... seemingly just ordered a glass of tap water so he can use his laptop there for free, probably because he never got any of that sweet Bearer Bond money.

Apparently, Theo hired a squad of goons to attack McClane!  

But, wait, so Hans Gruber's tech guy wants revenge against John, and he's been biding his time for 30 goddamn years? And did he sabotage McClane's car battery to lure him into town? How did Theo know that he wouldn't just call AAA?

In any case, John makes it to the auto parts store. But despite the fact that there is an armed gang of assassins parading through town, he never asks the lone employee to, say, call the police (or hide for her own safety). Which is crazy. John McClane spent most of the original Die Hard trying to contact the proper authorities and protect the innocent during an emergency. Here his primary concern seems to be the functionality of his automobile, so he just buys a goddamn battery and leaves.

Then he meets up with Argyle (presumably because Reginald VelJohnson had plans that day), who is still a limo driver. The pair are surprisingly chummy, considering that John clearly hasn't stayed in touch over the past three decades like a giant dick.

Argyle escorts John back to his car so he can change the battery and just drive away -- which seems wildly irresponsible. But first, he blows up Theo with a grenade, and the pair hightail it out of there. Somehow the filmmakers forgot to include a final scene where we see an unconscious John McClane laid up in a hospital bed relieving nonsensical versions of his past adventures in unending coma dreams.

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter! And check out the podcast Rewatchability

Top Image:  YouTube/Advance Auto Parts

Join the Cracked Movie Club

Expand your movie and TV brain--get the weekly Cracked Movie Club newsletter!

Forgot Password?