Hey, How Does Time Work in the Peanut Universe?
The death of Mr. Peanut and his subsequent resurrection as Baby Nut is one of the most uncomfortably calculated corporate stunts in recent memory. It was born when some soulless executive saw people's reactions to the death of a beloved movie character and thought, "Hey, bet we could also make people sad for no reason." Before the combination of sunlight and Kool-Aid mixed in some strange witchcraft to produce the unholy abomination, Planters had already generated a ton of sockpuppet Twitter accounts to spread corporate-produced Baby Nut memes. (You can tell because none of them played off the obscene implications of his name.)
This bullshit not only can but arguably morally must be ignored. But then Baby Nut grew into the 21-year-old Peanut, Jr. literally overnight, and we regretfully report that we have questions.
There's always been something off about Mr. Peanut's chronology. He was created in 1916, and they've always stuck pretty firmly to that as a plausible birth year. When he went to war in the '40s, he was a reasonable age to be a soldier and was officially 104 years old when he died. That's not an improbable life span in the Western world, but now that we know that he's some kind of time lord, it does call into question how a centenarian is sliding around like Jason Statham or going on speedy road trips with Wesley Snipes.
So how does time work in the Peanut universe? Does time move slower for Mr. Peanut, giving him the sprightly reflexes of a young man at an age when most of us will be tethered to various machines? Or does it move faster, allowing him to age 21 years in a single day? Does time bend to his will? Is he the dad from Umbrella Academy?
Answer us, Planters. We'd really like to stop thinking about any of this.
Top image: Kraft Heinz Company