Behold! The Most Powerful (And Horny) Celebrity Couple Of All Time

People love to worship powerful celebrity couples, like Beyonce and Jay Z, Jolie and Pitt, Kanye and the mirror Kanye looks into when jerking off. But I say: Why settle for mere mortals? Once upon a time in the eighties there roamed a celeb couple so magnificent, so puissant, they would not have looked out of place on Mount Olympus -- or at least an Italian B-movie set made to look like Mount Olympus. I talk, of course, of Dolce. 

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The story of Dolce, Dolph Lundgren and Grace Jones, starts like any other meet-cute between two transdimensional superbeings. In 1983, while getting ready to study at MIT on a Fulbright scholarship, Lundgren was making some extra money as a bouncer in Sydney, Australia. There, he became Jones' bodyguard (because only he could guard a body like Jones') who was on a world tour promoting her revolutionary new wave album, Warm Leatherette. The two superhumans immediately fell in love. Once stateside, Lundgren stopped going to MIT after only two weeks and moved to New York with Jones with the sole intention of becoming the world's most powerful couple and eventually die of sex exhaustion. 

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And when I say most powerful, I am being literal. Put on your Dragon Ball Z scanner and Dolce's combined power level will blow that sucker right off your face. Let's start with Lundgren, the weaker of the pair. The star is so physically intimidating that burglars once fled his house when they saw a photograph of Lundgren staring back at them. Lundgren was already a champion black belt in karate before being introduced to bodybuilding by Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Swarzenegger, which helped him get in anime-level shape for Rocky IV. A physique Lundgren credits to a combination of benching 300 pounds six days a week, eating lots of protein and knowing that, at any moment, the Terminator would barge into his bedroom, demanding to see his abs. 

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Meanwhile, the 5"8' (or 6"2', since she always wears massive heels) Jones has kept up a demanding fitness regimen since her teen years on the catwalk, combining the gracefulness of a model with the strength of a model who had to carry her two model roommates home every night after 10 straight hours of partying. And she loves to project her domineering figure on stage and screen. She was called "too tough" on the set of Conan the Destroyer -- by The Destroyer himself, Arnie.

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And she's also the only Bond girl ever to make 007 her bitch.

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As mentioned before, like actual demigods accidentally teleported to the eighties (which, incidentally, is the plot to half of Lundgren's movies), their power was not only physical. Both excelled at everything they put their mind to. Jones, who has a mind-boggling vocal range of two-and-a-half octaves, is also a leader of men, women, and everything in between. As a fearless iconoclast who advanced gender politics by a decade simply by existing, her proud crossdressing single-handedly challenged '80s masculinity. Speaking of fearless, she also openly advocates taking LSD as a conversation starter and has a lifetime ban from Disney after performing at Disney World topless with a joint in her mouth

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Matching Grace's bravado is Lundgren's biggest muscle: his peni-- his brain. A genius-level scientist, the egg-and-meathead has a master's degree in biochemistry, having studied the subject extensively at Washington State University, Clemson University, the Royal Institute of Technology in Stockholm, and the University of Sydney. He also speaks seven languages, which came really handy when the couple ran out of English safe words after only four months. 

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But it was his deep understanding of biochemistry why Dolph knew their coupling was too dangerous, and I'm not just talking about the time Jones tried to kidnap Lundgren at gunpoint so she could have sex with him. The couple broke up after only four years. Not because they had grown apart, but for the good of mankind, for a permanent union surely would have led to them conquering the world, surveying us petty mortals as ants from their twin thrones atop a mountain of bleached bones. 

For more weird, horny tangents, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

Top Image: Cannon Films / Paramount Pictures

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