The 5 Saddest Erotic Video Games Ever Created
Steam's annual Summer Sale is here, which means every single video game site will be advising readers on how to best remortgage their homes to afford a few hundred more games they'll never have time to play. But we have a warning: hidden deep within the bowels of Steam is horny detritus fit to be played only after you've abandoned the very concept of joy. Learn about them here, so you can flee if you stumble upon them in their native environment. Because no matter how sad and lonely you may be, you can have a better future than playing ...
Hazumi and the Pregnation
Sensual Description: "The gravid game, Hazumi and the Pregnation, makes its Steam debut! Prostitution, pregnancy, and birth. Let's increase the world's population!"
Video games with sexual content have a sliding scale of credibility. There are traditional games that include plot-driven sex scenes, then there are knockoffs of hit games that add titillation or fetish material like Stardew Valley, but Your Cows Are Sentient and Single. And then there are the titles with only the thinnest veneer of gameplay, so you can tell yourself that you bought a game about controlling a woman's reproductive cycle solely for its resource management elements.
In a world where the species is imperiled by a sharp decline in fertility rates, you have to manage one woman's transition to exploitative sex work instead of, like, a sprawling government lab dedicated to solving the problem. This is ostensibly a life sim where you manage Hazumi's time and money while keeping her clientele happy, but there's something, shall we say, serial killer-y about the way the game tracks the milliliters of sperm that have ended up in various locations. If you've ever wanted to reduce a woman's entire life to endless pregnancy but don't have the upper body strength to make it happen, this is the game for you.
Advertised features include "Comprehensive Pregnancy Mechanic," "Detailed Menstrual Cycle," and the tracking of breast milk production. You're also told you can "Play at Your Own Pace" because "There aren't any silly things like falling in love to worry about." Jesus Christ, every word I write about this game could place me on a government watchlist labeled "For Morale Boosting Public Castration." Let's move on.
A Reviewer Whose Ex-Girlfriend Mysteriously Disappeared Says: "It might seem demeaning at first, but it really brings some amount of perspective as to what women goes through during pregnancy to male players. You can give up the child for the state to raise (No woman in her right mind would want to irl though) or you can choose to raise it yourself. ... Mind you, I will NEVER handle the protagonist of this game recklessly unlike the other adult videogames that I played before."
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Deep Space Waifu
Sensual Description: "Discover your perfect WAIFU amidst explosions! This is a simple SUPER CASUAL strip 'em up action game, full of colors and women! Destroy alien colonies and do some CLOTH DAMAGE in giant women!"
From the creators of Elite Dangerous comes Deep Space Waifu, a shoot 'em up about shooting the clothes off giant anime women who seem understandably baffled by your presence. This is from the "Haha, isn't this wacky?" school of porn game design, wherein some memes are tossed in so you can tell yourself that you're only cranking one out ironically. One review called it "gloriously self-aware," but how aware do you really want to be of yourself when you're blasting away a cartoon's underwear because you're too dumb to figure out Cuphead?
"It has a wacky story!" won't save you when your Steam friends see you unlocking the least appropriate use of the term "achievements" conceivable. This is another step towards a future where our descendants know which of their grandfathers was really into anime porn. There will come a day when someone has to close out your digital affairs, and if they see you put hours into "horny shmup" they will mock you at your funeral.
Deep Space, ugh, Waifu was successful enough to spawn several spinoffs, including a fantasy variant for everyone who's ever wanted to clumsily undress an orc, and one called, Jesus Christ, Flat Justice, which the developers had to rush to patch because oops, its characters didn't look like adults. But hey, maybe all the players complaining about the change in the Steam forums are "gloriously self-aware."
A Reviewer Who Can't Legally Live Near Schools Says: "Being the lolis the only justifiable reason I purchased this game, I was utterly disappointed when I found out the game was reverted back to a version where the girls looked adult. However, I managed to rollback to an older version of the game and play the lolified version instead. I understand how the original version wouldn't be allowed on Steam but I was kind of sad seeing how the word 'FLAT' is still present in the title of the game. Undressing little girls is illegal abiding by the law, but so is false advertisement."
Sensual Description: "You are playing for Wild West Girl: brave lonely H.E.N.T.A.I. fighter who is ready to take on all of the bad dudes out there."
Aside from the contradictory title, Anime Redemption is the horny equivalent to the sad bargain bin knockoffs you had to buy when your childhood allowance didn't cover the latest big release. This is Red Dead Redemption, if it only had five minutes of content and inexplicably starred a bikini-clad anime woman. For an extra dollar you can buy "Nudity DLC," and I would love to know who drew the line there. "I intend to masturbate to this, but I'm not going to be crass about it. The cartoon can keep her dental floss on."
Anime Redemption is part of a series of games that remove all the fun from Call of Duty, Death Stranding, and other mainstream titles so that it can be replaced with pretend nudity. While they offer less gameplay than a broken ATM, the reviews are fascinating. There's a split between people who have accepted the emptiness haunting their lives with good humor or even a sort of spiritual grace, and then there are people complaining that their budget-priced cartoon jerkoff shovelware has technical issues.
When you're paying to see impossibly proportioned cartoon teenagers fight World War II in their underwear, are lighting glitches and subpar hit detection really going to ruin the experience for you? Trying to get into that mindset is like trying to communicate with the Arrival aliens while they're humping the glass. But I do know that when you're complaining, as one reviewer did, about how you've already seen the same anime tits in other video games, you're not really making the point about asset flipping that you think you are.
A Reviewer Who's Struggling To Meet Girls At College Says: "i just spent nearly 2 hours drinking Jameson and playing as a naked anime cowgirl. I have no regrets. The game is actually pretty difficult if you stay in town and play as intended. However, if you want to cheese it, just go out of range and watch them run in circles around the town and snipe them while admiring your beautiful cheeks."
Sensual Description: "Your wildest dreams made real. Your realest dreams... made wild. Virtually wild. Virtually Real. This is the essence of the Forbidden World of SinVR."
Not every adult game is made for people who can get an erection by reading Japan's Wikipedia page. Instead, some star terrifying, dead-eyed homunculi created with the freest 3D modellng software available. All of these games look like an inflatable sex doll was transported into a PS3 game and programmed to feel pain and fear, but only SinVR offers the depressing feature "Use your Vive or Rift controllers to interact with the girls."
Imagine strapping a $800 VR rig onto your face to masturbate. That's the kind of image that gets cut from a Black Mirror script for being too obvious in setting up the protagonist's turn to the camera to say "Perhaps technology... has downsides?" If someone walked in on you you'd have to change your name and move to a new hemisphere to escape the embarrassment. Even worse, 18 of the game's 19 scenarios are paid DLC, meaning that you can drop over $200 bucks on SinVR. It's the Europa Universalis IV of dying alone.
To be fair, it's clear a lot of thought has been put into scenarios like Sputnik 69, described as "Olga want you to plow her big babushka boobies," and The Dragon MILF, which promises "The Dragon Milf will finish you with nothing but her eyes" yet seems to imply otherwise in the screenshots. Yes, if you masturbated to Game of Thrones but wished the sets were uglier and the women had an unsettling plasticized sheen, this is the game for you and the FBI specialist trying to understand your thought process before you commit your next crime.
Some scenarios are even "Integrated with Fleshlight VStroker," which is a $100 USB compatible sock. I'm sex positive, in that I'm positive no one who plays SinVR is having sex, but at this point the cost of your video game self-pleasure is creeping into quadruple digits. That's the kind of money that charities use to bring clean water to entire communities. And doing that kind of public good will give you a far more powerful orgasm than watching a glassy-eyed ersatz Wonder Woman hump a Ken doll with a stick of beef jerky glued between his thighs in a grimy back alley.
A Reviewer Who Posted One Week Before A Game Of Thrones Finale That Probably Ruined His Life Says: "This is my absolute favourite of all the SinVR girls. You really captured a convincing likeness of a certain Queen on a certain amazing TV show. The detail is is great and I love the dragon. You can almost feel its hot breath on your back as you have your fun with it's Mom. Great work!"
Hentai Jigsaw Puzzle 2
Sensual Description: "Someone broke sexy girls into pieces. It is your job to assemble them back! Enjoy high quality sexy jigsaw puzzles with a hot Japanese commentator!"
This is it. Steam contains tens of thousands of video games, and this is the single saddest one. Imagine a man sitting in his bedroom, alone in the dead of night, patiently assembling a jigsaw puzzle so that he can finally masturbate to anime. His brow furrows in intense concentration, one hand gripping the mouse, the other hovering in anticipation of gripping something else. "Ah," he finally says. "This is clearly part of the vulva." The piece clicks into place, and then the silence of a squandered life returns.
Puzzles range in size from 12 pieces to 384, and I honestly don't know which is worse: assembling baby's first jigsaw so you can tell yourself you earned a visit from Lefty, or setting aside the time needed to stare at hundreds of tiny pieces until you've finally recreated the image of a woman sitting in a library topless. What do you feel when it's done and you're done? Pride? Relief? An intense sense of shame, not merely from the act itself, but from what it says about where you're at in life? This is a game you purchase while insisting to your tequila bottle that it's not your fault the MCAT had ambiguous questions.
Even the title is bleak. There are no shortage of "Grandma's boring hobby, but now you can crank it" games, but most wrap themselves in a modicum of dignity with titles like Dark Fantasy or Love Wish. Hentai Jigsaw Puzzle 2 says "If you violated a towel to the cartoons in our previous installment and your life hasn't improved since, why not come back for round two?" I never thought I would consider alcoholism a more dignified way to tell the world you have a problem, but here we are.
A Reviewer Who Cried Into His Body Pillow Until He Fell Asleep Says: "First of all, I would like to thank NAISU for adding the save game support. ... The commentator is real sweet although I can sense her western accent."