Florida Is Changing The Definition of “Intensive Care” To Lower Infection Numbers

When doing nothing doesn't work, remember that you can always just lie.
Florida Is Changing The Definition of “Intensive Care” To Lower Infection Numbers

Here's a quick test to find out if your political leaders are sociopathic monsters. Run a quick Google search for a politician's name, plus "COVID-19" or "coronavirus," and then "reporting." Try to spot any or all of the articles that depict them scrambling to alter the numbers of how many COVID cases they have rather than, like, doing something about it. If you search Trump, you'll pretty quickly find him openly admitting to ordering a slowdown in testing to artificially deflate the numbers because President Donald Trump never developed object permanence. The same search for Florida Governor Ron DeSantis shows that he's a clown's penis that's became a whole human, as he's ordered Florida's Department of Health to change the way it reports COVID-19 patients in ICUs to lower the number of cases.

Hospitals in Florida can no longer report how many patients are in ICUs. Florida only wants the numbers of patients who require an "intensive level of care." Let's put aside the tragically comic mental image of an ICU nurse trying to work out the absurd bureaucratic semantics of the state's demand. Let's instead focus on the big logical misconception at the heart of this. ICU patients are in that specific wing for a legitimately intense medical reason, not because they upgraded to a room with a balcony and a hot tub. They're in that room because they need, by definition, more intensive care than people under regular care. But DeSantis, eager to do as little as possible while still coming out on top, wants the state to further fudge numbers by subdividing people into a higher level of illness. It's the Ludicrous Speed of viral designations.

Usually, the next level of hospitalization intensiveness after ICU is either surgery or the morgue.

Florida's COVID case numbers have exploded, making a state filled with incompetent leaders who've done a little as possible as late as possible look even worse. To be fair, while state and local governments could be doing significantly more, it's not entirely on them. As a nearly-life-long Florida resident, I can safely say that a lot of this is on us. The state's citizenry all walk around so confident in their invincibility that the third leading cause of death in the state is drunk guys trying to prove they can catch a bullet between their teeth. The arrogance is bolstered and codified by a government that cannot be bothered to save the lives of their own citizens because heaven forbid they sully their childish one-dimensional concept "freedom" by doing their jobs. Florida is America's reptilian brain run amok and Governor Ron DeSantis is a lizardman in a human skinsuit.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Catch him on the "In Broad Daylight" podcast with Cracked alums Adam Tod Brown and Ian Fortey! Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. Listen to the first episode on Youtube!

Top Image: Parentingupstream/Pixabay, coyot/Pixabay

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