Things The PS5 Looks Like
After months of speculation, the Sony games event finally announced games like Horizon: Forbidden West, Gran Turismo 7, and Spider-Man: Miles Morales. Sony capped things off by revealing the PS5, and its look is ... hard to describe.
The usual assortment of descriptors like "sleek" and "stylish" and "best-in-class towing capacity" fail to capture the multitudes of the PS5's appearance. So rather than give you just one description that falls short, I've provided many examples of what the PS5 looks like.
It looks like it has the popped collars of a man that owns a half-empty bottle of chloroform.
It's how pizzas get delivered in the I, Robot movie universe.
The loser will use it to stab the winner of a fighting game tournament final.
It looks like it's trying to hide in a manilla folder because it knew it wasn't ready to be revealed.
It looks like if a Transformer turned into a fancy Japanese toilet seat.
It looks like a Transformer's vulva.
It looks like the router you bought because it looked cool only to later realize is had one-and-a-half stars on Amazon.
It looks like the Playboy tucked into the history textbook that got you suspended in the 7th grade.
It looks like the dry hockey puck of a burger sandwiched between stale slices of Wonder Bread that collectively remind you that you're poor.
It looks like a scam smart scale that will get a future fitness influencer canceled when it suggests users consider changing their race to something less fat.
It looks like the knock-off PS5 you'd have found on Wish if Sony hadn't beat them to it.
It's the Exhalated Grand Techno Lord Robot whose palace you're dragged into when the last tribe of humans is wiped out by its DualSense controller foot soldiers.
It looks like the case for literally every Kpop album that's filled with 75 pages of boys posing in fields of flowers, plus a CD you'll never listen to because this isn't 1997.
It looks like its slot isn't for inserting discs but for dispensing soylent green.
It looks like if EVE from Wall-E was a Roomba.
One of your house guests, not realizing it's a PS5, will compliment you for owning such a bold, provocative piece of modern art, then will tell their partner on the ride home that it looks like dog shit.
I mean ...
It looks like the holster every dad circa 2001 kept their Blackberry in.
Customs agents will ask why on earth you're smuggling an Xfinity cable box in a Gordita shell.
It looks like if Steve Jobs designed a fleshlight.
It's like if consoles had to wear those hats from Handmaid's Tale.
If the PS5 were a person, it looks like it would have an art degree but works in finance.
It looks like it'll be drastically redesigned into a black box a year after release.
Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Catch him on the "In Broad Daylight" podcast with Cracked alums Adam Tod Brown and Ian Fortey! Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. Listen to the first episode on Youtube!
Top Image: Sony