The New 'Twilight' Book Is Gonna Force Readers To Admit That Edward Is A Sexual Predator

Gross, bruh.
The New 'Twilight' Book Is Gonna Force Readers To Admit That Edward Is A Sexual Predator

For a whole lot of people who were in high school and beginning to start their sexual awakenings, the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer had an unnaturally strong hand in that development. And over the past decade, readers have been teased with the release of Midnight Sun, a retelling of the first book, only this time from the perspective of Edward Cullen. Well, we have some news:

This is going to be the type of book that targets people who already have a stake in the series. That means that come August, 30-year-old millennials are going to scoop up copies to devour like a bag of hormonal pita chips dipped in nostalgia hummus, only to realize they've had some rose-colored glasses on for the past 15 years. It's normal for teenagers to read the story from the POV of a teenage girl and feel a shared bond with the character. But in your 30s? And from Edward's POV? Midnight Sun isn't going to be a romance for us; it's going to be a descent into supernatural sex crimes.

Reading back through the original book, it's not that difficult to find language that sounds like stuff that would hold up in a court case. Getting through Edward's version is going to be like watching Netflix's You, but if Penn Badgley was an undead pedophile.

Remember -- Edward is like a 100-year-old effectively-vegetarian vampire. He stalks Bella because he can't control his impulses around her. Few people want to dive into the mind of a thirsty teenage boy, and Midnight Sun is going to have us jump off the high board and into the brain pool an elderly sexual predator trapped in the body of a teenager with explosive jizz. We're talking about a dude so old that his favorite sport is "Baseball, but before integration":

What the fuck does he have in common with a high school girl? It's creepy enough when divorced dads try to date college girls. This is like one of them dating a baby. Have you ever been to the movies (back when that was an activity that existed) with a bunch of teens talking about mundane teen stuff behind you? That is hours upon hours of what Edward's day is like going to high school. He got over teenage bullshit when Kennedy was assassinated. Why does he still go there? Because Edward is a pervert and wants to have sex with those teens. He's an even grosser Wooderson from Dazed and Confused but forever cursed with the inability to grow a mustache.

Though we have to admit, the timing is perfect for this book -- Edward Cullen was turned into a vampire because of the Spanish Flu, so the parallel with our daily lives is there. Also, people are experiencing loneliness and romantic desperation at unprecedented levels. This book is going to give everyone a chance to look at a fictional character and go, "Whew, at least I'm not as bad as that guy."

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