It was previously the law of the land that only films receiving at least a seven-day theatrical release were eligible for an Oscar. However, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has decreed that streamed movies will now also be eligible for an Oscar in 2021. This might seem like a logical, reasonable step in light of our current pandemic -- at least to the heathens among you. But we true movie buffs will not lower ourselves to such heresy. The long-standing traditions of The Academy must be upheld at all costs, even if they are woefully nonsensical and arbitrary.
As such, we will be releasing our own awards for the movies that are eligible under the proper Oscar standards of our forefathers. And considering that theaters may not open again this year (Eh, Tenet wasn't going to win anyway.), we decided that we might as well announce the results now. Without further ado, here are the rightful Oscar Winners of 2021:
Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role:
Margot Robbie in BIRDS OF PREY
Elisabeth Moss in THE INVISIBLE MAN
Sophia Lillis in GRETEL AND HANSEL
Tiffany Haddish in LIKE A BOSS
Shraddha Kapoor in BAAGHI 3 - WINNER
It's a shocking turn of events as Margot Robbie and Elisabeth Moss get snubbed for Shraddha Kapoor, an actress starring in a Bollywood movie that received a critic consensus of 20% on Rotten Tomatoes. But those critics failed to recognize the genius of Kapoor's delivery as she courted her husband by hitting him with a motorcycle in this thrilling action-adventure movie. Also, did Elisabeth Moss have various dance sequences to contend with like Kapoor did? We didn't think so.
Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role:
Samara Weaving in GUNS AKIMBO
Storm Reid in THE INVISIBLE MAN
Betty Gilpin in THE GRUDGE
Rosie Perez in BIRDS OF PREY
Again, Ankita Lokhande from Baaghi 3 surprises us here. Sure, Samara Weaving was eclipsed by Daniel Radcliffe in Guns Akimbo, and all of the movies on this list would never see the light of an Oscar nom in normal circumstances, except for maybe The Invisible Man, but Lokhande was barely in Baaghi 3. It must have been all that great dancing.
Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role:
Robert Downey Jr. in DOLITTLE
Ben Affleck in THE WAY BACK
Tiger Shroff in BAAGHI 3 - WINNER
Ben Schwartz in SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
James Marsden in SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
Sorry, Ben Affleck, but your best shot to win an Oscar for acting gets smashed by Tiger Shroff as brutally as his character "Ronnie" smashes the arms of his foes in the action/adventure flick Baaghi 3. Both Marsden and Schwartz are nominated for a lead role despite one delivering a performance with all the muster of a computer-generated rendering and the other being Ben Schwartz as Sonic the Hedgehog.
Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role:
Vin Diesel in BLOODSHOT
Jim Carrey in SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
Martin Lawrence in BAD BOYS FOR LIFE
Sam Leakey in GRETEL AND HANSEL
You could argue that Vin Diesel is technically the lead actor of Bloodshot, but really aren't the guns doing all of the talking? Still, the field is thin, so Diesel gets the nomination for a supporting role, while Jim Carrey is left wondering why he agreed to do Ace Ventura riffs to a CGI furry. Riteish Deshmukh kills it as Vikram, the humble older brother of Ronnie, who inexplicably can't eat food unless it is fed to him with a spoon.
Achievement in Directing:
BIRDS OF PREY
THE WAY BACK
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG - Winner
It's a huge upset considering Baaghi 3 has so far swept the awards, but Jeff Fowler's ability to talk Jim Carrey off of a ledge after every take is worthy of a Best Director win if we've ever seen one.
Best Motion Picture of the Year:
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
THE INVISIBLE MAN
LIKE A BOSS
BIRDS OF PREY
THE WAY BACK
BAAGHI 3 - WINNER
And so we're back to Baaghi 3. For anyone who disagrees, feel free to wait until the academy announces the nominees with all of the rule-breaking entries. Then take your Oscar and parade it around with all of its gilded glory. It's no matter. We know who actually won.
Dan will watch Baaghi 3 with you any time if you hit him up on Twitter @realdanduddy, and hosts The Bachelor Zone Podcast, where you can hear him give a sports-style breakdown of all things happening on The Bachelor.
Top Image: Birds of Prey/ Warner Bros. Pictures