Hey, Let These Scientists Take Pictures of Your Butthole

It's a weird thing, the power of authority. If a stranger asked to take a picture of your asshole, you wouldn't even hesitate to call the police ... but if that stranger is wearing a lab coat and insisting it'll save your life somehow, you'll spread those cheeks and thank them for the privilege.

By all accounts, the "smart toilet" created by scientists at Stanford Medicine really does do that. Motion sensors detect when a "deposit" has been made at Merrill Clinch and run a battery of tests that can detect infection, certain cancers, and even kidney failure. Sure, your average healthy pooper might find this unnecessary, but people with common disorders, like irritable bowel syndrome, that put them at higher risk for those diseases probably appreciate the opportunity to sleep (and shit) easy.

So other than giving weird porn producers severe FOMO, what on Earth are the butthole cameras for? Well, they need to match the, um, sample to the person who birthed it. Otherwise, it leaves room for all kinds of mistaken identity hijinks that are rendered a lot less wacky by the presence of cancer. The best way to do that, according to the study's senior author, is by matching the poop to its creator's unique "anal print," which is a sequence of words that you've now heard and will never forget. Couldn't they just use DNA? Google isn't sure, and we're the kinds of people who need to use Google to answer that question, so they could totally lie to us. Just for kicks.

Don't worry, they assure us: The photos are only used by the machines to match data samples, and "No one, not you or your doctor, will see the scans." That kind of sucks if you were hoping to frame yours, but it does offer some security in the event that someone leaks your rectal nudes. If anyone identifies you by your anal print, they'll have some explaining to do.

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Top image: Unsplash/Curology