I cannot tell you how happy I am now that my Big Genius president has finally granted me the freedom past FASCIST presidents had stripped from me: The freedom to breathe in all the wonderful mercury my lungs can handle before they turn into a light-brown chunky puddle, like chocolate milk left out in the summer sun. Thank you, Mister President, for loosening EPA regulations on the mercury that oil and coal-fired plants can release. The fact that it's happening during a viral pandemic that puts people with respiratory conditions in particular danger just couldn't be better timing, as I have a lot of enemies with respiratory problems (I will avenge my losses to the elderly at BINGO. I must.).
When I step outside my front door, I like to take a big, deep breath of air laced with heavy metals that can cause what some derogatorily call "brain damage" but what I call "cutting the brain fat."
To anyone who doesn't want to breathe in delicious air that can ruin your eyes, skin, gastrointestinal tract, blowout your kidneys, weaken your immune system, and short circuit your nervous system, simply breathe other air. We like choice in America. Clean air is nice, but with this bold re-freedoming of the air, President Trump has put the power in my trembling hands (another side effect of mercury inhalation) and brought me one step closer to achieving my dream of one day becoming this guy from the end of Robocop.
Thank you, Mister President, for waging this valiant war on the environment to protect the profits of Big Business, despite such clearly falsified statistics by the Obummer regime that claimed their heavy restriction of mercury emissions would prevent thousands of heart and asthma attacks and upwards of 11,000 premature deaths each year. Thank you, for giving me -- no, giving us all the chance to breathe in billions of micro-knives that, God willing, will spontaneously flip my flesh inside out.
Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Catch him on the "In Broad Daylight" podcast with Cracked alums Adam Tod Brown and Ian Fortey! Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. Listen to the first episode on YouTube!
Top image: stevepb/Pixabay