When you're young, hip, and suddenly rich on the basis of your youth and hipness, the first thing you do is buy a huge, fuck-off mansion. The next thing you do is hire a decorator so it doesn't look like you bought it from a middle-aged broadcasting executive, which you absolutely did. Unfortunately, the first thing your decorator is going to do is make sure they don't piss off their lucrative client by implying that they have atrocious taste. The end result of this chain of misplaced priorities is Justin Bieber's house.
As social media users stuck at home busied themselves playing a sort of reverse-charades in which they compared the house to various kitchen appliances this week, the Robb Report (which pukingly describes itself as "the leading voice in the global luxury market") pointed out that Justin Bieber isn't actually responsible for the design of this architectural atrocity. That honor goes to "renowned architect" Ed Niles, who has apparently made a career of Emperor's New Housing the wealthy. Biebs did, however, pay $60,000 a month for five months in 2015 to rent a giant computer fan. At least he abandoned it when he realized those who live in glass houses leave themselves wide open to the paparazzi.
The benefit of those doubts cannot be given to Drake. April Fool's came a few days late to Architectural Digest, who published an article on Wednesday about the Toronto mansion of poor Drake, who clearly didn't realize he was the butt of a masterfully straight-faced joke. The rapper who never met a sunburst he didn't like described the home as his "passion project," a legacy he could "leave behind, so it had to be timeless and strong." In his mind, that means "Tron pool". (2nd tweet, top right)
Imagine getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom in this place. Not only do you have to keep an eye on the ceilings, lest your tombstone read "Stabbed by Chandelier," some stunted Frankenstein is literally waiting around the corner for you.
They could have at least waited to photograph the place until his leprechaun construction crew finished building it. Not gonna lie, though: That skull piano is the shit. (top right)
I'm not saying I'm sneaking across the border to break in and steal it, I'm just saying that 1) I deserve Drake's money and whatever he's bought with it because I could spend it better, and 2) It's on wheels.
To give Manna a skull piano, hit her up on Twitter.
Top Image: Anton Mak/The Come Up Show/Wiki Commons