Those of you who still have to leave your home for work are exempt. But the rest of you listen up because I'm going to say the thing you've already heard 1,000 times once: STAY THE FUCK INSIDE.
Coronavirus deaths in America double every two days compared to South Korea, where it doubles every two weeks. That has a lot to do with them having a functional, competent government. As of March 14, they were testing 12,000 a day, which is as many as the U.S. was testing in two weeks. Korea was trying to get as far ahead of it possible and told people to stay the fuck inside early, while the American government ... is considering lifting the ban on social distancing. Apparently the president, whose ability to maintain an erection is directly tied to the stock market, cares more about the virus's economic impact than infection rates.
That's despite the fact that his own Surgeon General says that two weeks of quarantine is "likely not enough."
Testing only identifies the scope of the problem. Since real-life vaccine development takes years, rather than the single afternoon it takes in movies, the closest thing to a solution we've got to hinder the spread is staying the fuck inside. Since so, so many of you have found this to be an incredibly difficult concept to grasp, I've gone ahead and answered some of your most pressing self-quarantine and social distancing questions.
1) Stay inside what?
Your home. The closet of the person you've been stalking. Pick a place and stay there for the foreseeable future, until the medical community reaches a consensus as to when you can walk out of your front door again or make yourself known to the person you've stalked wearing their underwear as a jury-rigged N95 face mask.
2) But why can't I, a young viral sociopath, enjoy my spring break at the beach?
Because while there's a chance you might be asymptomatic, meaning you carry the virus but feel none of its symptoms, you are still capable of spreading it to someone else.
Let's put it in a way someone specifically like you, the drunk 22-year old spring breaker, can understand: You know how you don't even notice or care about your nasty case of crabs, and that you, in fact, befriended the little critters who've established a sovereign nation on your genitals? Well, you know how a sexual partner will get mad at you later if you give them your crabs? Coronavirus is like that, but instead of transferring pubic friends, it's a deadly virus.
3) But what if all this is just a media conspiracy to make Trump look bad?
He needs no help on that front.
4) Fine, what can I do in the meantime?
World of Warcraft is giving players double XP for a month and there dozens of games that have been made available for free across multiple services and consoles. If you're into sports, the NBA and NHL have made their League Pass services free. Or you can watch some marble racing video on YouTube and then stop to get some sleep only to realize it's been three months and this whole thing has blown over. A lot of movies that were recently released in theaters are or will soon be available at home on demand, including Birds of Prey, Pixar's Onward, and Frozen 2. And you can masturbate at home, for free, compared to how much you used to spend in bail and lawyers fees back when you did it outside.
Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!