Celebrity Crackpot Ideas They (Unfortunately) Made Reality

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Akon Is Trying To Build A Cryptocurrency Themed City Named After Himself

Blockchain is an incredible invention that allows wealthy people to take their insane plans, add "powered by blockchain," and immediately be taken seriously for no reason. Take Akon, who's developing a cryptocurrency named Akoin that's supposed to revolutionize the entire African economy in some vague way. The hope is that entire national economies will go digital, making all transactions using the currency Akon humbly named after himself, and then somehow civil wars will end.

There are some technical challenges, including sorting out where people are suddenly going to get the smartphones and cheap high-speed internet required for this, as well as the hurdle of African countries inconveniently having their own economic plans. But the "Smack That" singer remains enthusiastic, telling a press conference "I come up with the concepts and let the geeks figure them out," which is code for "I have enough money to attempt to will my delusions into existence." That's the kind of radical problem solving we expect from a man who fixed the conflict diamond problem by denying their existence.

Akon himself doesn't have time for minutiae, since he's already moved on to planning an entire city in Senegal named Akon City to serve as an Akoin showcase. Apparently it will be a "real-life Wakanda," a gleaming city of the future where all transactions will be made via Akoin. It's possible that we saw a different cut of Black Panther, but we don't remember Ne-Yo being introduced as the minister of finance or T'Challa spending the whole movie trying to pay for things in Omari-yen.

Walt Disney StudiosPlus that looks like a hell of a lot more acrage than the small-airport-sized chunk Akon plans to do it in.

Akon claims to have been gifted 2,000 acres of land by the Senegalese government, but so far the only concrete news is that he stole his concept art from a real development who says they're not affiliated with Akon and, even worse, intend to complete their project with actual money. It's also unclear how Akon will pay for an entire city or how it will be "powered" by blockchain, but everyone knows that writing "I Wanna Fuck You" automatically qualified Akon for an economics doctorate, so clearly we're the ignorant ones here.

4

Morrissey Won An Award For Bad Sex In Fiction, And That Wasn't Even The Worst Part Of It

You probably know Morrissey from his music, but you might also know him as an author, in which case you have our sympathies. In 2015 he wrote List of the Lost, about a '70s track team that gets cursed by a demon, and despite that non-sexy premise he somehow managed to win the Literary Review's Bad Sex Award. Here's why:

"Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza's breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra's howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza's body except for the otherwise central zone."

Yes, that was all just one sentence. Here's another, because we know what you've done.

"In their secrecy, Harri does not like Tracey's knotted banana toes, and Tracey finds the manly central issue too slight to grip, and although such things ought not to count in the adult mind, somehow they do yet they don't yet they do yet they don't."

3

Michael Flatley Self-Financed An Action Movie Starring Himself As A James Bond Rip-off

Michael Flatley became wealthy by starring in hit stage shows like Riverdance and Lord of the Dance. He pioneered holding your arms stiff by your sides while flailing your feet around, as though fighting off a lobster swarm with a live macaw down his pants. Which is an entertaining act, but few people saw it and thought "this man must be the next James Bond!" Those who did were immediately chased out of the theater by an usher for drinking an entire Toilet Duck bottle stolen from the janitor's closet during intermission.

But one person in that minority is Michael Flatley himself who, at the age of 60, decided the time was right to reinvent himself as a debonair secret agent. He wrote, directed, produced, and financed a movie called Blackbird, starring himself as Blackbird. It's Flatley's first movie and reportedly features "thrilling stunts" but, sadly, no dance numbers. So we'll have to keep waiting to hear "Oh no! The bomb can only be defused... with tap!"

Dance Lord ProductionsThat's probably for the best. We'd hate to see Riverdance-Bond start tapping up a storm with guns down his pants and blow his feet to hamburger.
...On second thought, we'd totally watch that..

2

Blake Lively Started Her Own Lifestyle Website That Was Even Worse Than Goop

Gwyneth Paltrow is raking in millions by selling $350 bottles of psychic vampire repellent to people who think their dollar store vampire swatters will leave them unfulfilled. Blake Lively's Preserve was born in 2014 when she looked at Paltrow's Goop and said "What if I ran that scam, but did a much worse job?"

Preserve was pitched to consumers as everything and nothing. Was it a magical place? Yes. Was it also an amazing place? Yes. Was it a magazine, a store, and a philanthropic endeavour? Yup, yeah, and you know it! Its business model was "Blake Lively wrote a blog post about liking enchiladas and life, so you should drop 110 bucks on a designer apron."

PreserveWas it a place to ruin food with spray paint and glitter? We think you know the answer.

To give you a sense of how little direction Preserve had, they published a piece about the history of barbeque that contained phrases like "Pray consider it, dear reader," "fire-prepared victuals shoved into food-messed face-holes sans cutlery" and "one harkens back to ye days of olde, to the court of Richard the Lionheart, to the Canterbury Tales of Chaucer, to Lords and Ladies locked in scenes of chivalry." Then, once Lively's editors killed themselves, Preserve published a photo shoot that paid tribute to the halcyon days of the antebellum South.

1

James Franco Wrote A Short Story About A Girl Recounting The Joy Of Sex With James Franco

James Franco, the human equivalent of the jerk-off motion, wrote a book called Actors Anonymous about stand-ins for James Franco and also James Franco. One actor is generous enough to have sex with his fans, whom he nicknames "Diarrhea" (because of her diarrhea, you see), and her "less attractive friend Cunty." As for James Franco the character, he has sex with a freshman at NYU, and we get to relive this historic moment from her point of view.