Now that the coronavirus has made landfall in the United States, it's time for a quick PSA on how you can not only protect yourself but, more importantly, protect others who may not have an immune system as robust, handsome, or seductive as yours. If you truly want to prevent its spread, all you have to do is a few simple things, like be sure not to touch your face and cough into your elbow (instead of into the air or into your hands). Unless you shake hands as the Romans did by grabbing each other's forearms, you should be fine.
But the single most important and simplest thing you could possibly do to stem the tide is just wash your goddamn hands, you monsters.
Look, you absolutely putrid ghouls, I know it's cool to turn your hands into a dexterous Petri dish by building up a sizable collection of germs and then, at the end of the day, really work those germs into your pores, rubbing your fingers on your gums, and pulling down your eyelids so you can saturate your eyeballs with infectious disease, but all we ask is that you give it a rest, if only for now. Feel free to suck off doorknobs to completion and deep throat your fists after a bus ride once the threat of coronavirus infection has died down a little.
Wikimedia Commons/Ellin Beltz
Remember: masks won't help you (that is, unless you already have coronavirus, in which case I hope you're enjoying reading this from your hermetic bubble or, more likely, from the computer at the public library that you're gleefully coughing all over). Take all the preventative measures you want, drink all the bleach you want, but there's only one thing that can truly prevent the spread of the virus: washing your filthy disgusting paws as often as possible, and being sure to work that lather for at least 20 seconds before rinsing it off.
A good, and apparently real, rule of thumb is to sing "Happy Birthday" twice as you lather. The song will lull the virus into a false sense of security, leaving it open for an ambush. (But also, because it takes about 20 seconds to sing "Happy Birthday" twice.). Again, just wash your hands obsessively, to the point where it's ruining your life and driving a wedge between you and your loved ones.
And always remember: when there's a panic sweeping across the nation that could endanger lives, the most important thing to protect is your stock portfolio. The poor, defenseless stock market has been taking a beating because of this whole coronavirus thing. So, please, keep the investments of the super-rich in your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!