10 Michelle Wolf Jokes for the Hall of Fame

‘Brides will say things like, ‘It’s my special day.’ But how do you call it your day if your dad’s paying for it? I think it’s his day, and I think it’s a really weird day for him. He’s paying a ton of money to make sure a man has sex with you that night’

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Kraft Macaroni And Cheese Is A Sexual Aid Now, Just In Time For Valentine's Day

Kraft Macaroni And Cheese Is A Sexual Aid Now, Just In Time For Valentine's Day

It's always painful to watch big companies try to cram whatever they're selling into upcoming holidays or major events, and it's no different with Kraft, of mac and cheese fame. Kraft is trying to link the un-linkable by promoting their brand-new enormous container of microwavable macaroni and cheese by pairing it with the general concept of desperate parents trying to work in a quick fuck on Valentine's Day:

Kraft is a multibillion-dollar multinational corporation, so they get what it's like to be a parent who just wants a moments peace to have an orgasm on the day where sex is an obligation. And that, according to the ad, is where the Big Bowl comes in. It just a big thing of mac & cheese that puts kids into a food coma, leaving horny parents to do whatever they so choose to each other's bodies while their child sucks in heaping nose-fulls of mac & cheese into their sinuses after they've face planted into their microwavable macaroni dinner only a few bites in.

If it's horny parents they're trying to go after, the enormity of the container of mac & cheese being sold undercuts the goal of shutting up their child's hunger so they can have sex in peace. It conjures images of parents, their loins engorged with sexual anticipation, hovering around their child, urging them to hurry up and finish their fucking gigantic tub of orange slop already because mommy and daddy have things to do. Lost in all of this is a subtle point: Kraft has turned macaroni and cheese into a sexual aid. You can find it at the local sex shop between the buttplugs and bigger buttplugs.

There was, at one point, an accompanying contest to give away some of their Big Bowls before they hit the market. It may not sound like much to you, a barely-employed, childless twentysomething. But a single free bowl of microwavable macaroni and cheese is just the Willy Wonka golden ticket some parents need to gain entry into a whimsical world of sexual delights that their bastard children have unconsciously withheld from them.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!

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