Our Long National Nightmare Is Over As Dunkaroos Are Back
Nostalgia is a powerful necromantic magic that can bring anything back from the dead. Even some things that no one truly cared were gone. Dunkaroos are one such artifact. Any kid who grew up in the 90s has fond memories of cracking open a thing of Dunkaroos and ignoring the bland cookies and just going to town on the frosting cup with their tongues in ways you only now realize were unsettlingly pornographic. Now that General Mills is bringing Dunkaroos back to squeeze every last penny out of the few remaining good memories millennials and older Gen Z kids had lingering from their youth, you can revisit this sweet and delicious cunnilingus training tool for the first time since they were discontinued way, way back in...2012.
Dunkaroos were at their most popular in the 90s, sure. But they were killed when Obama was just entering his second term. Anyone in their 30s complaining that they missed out on their chance to have Dunkaroos was probably too busy drawing Disney princesses as Transformers or whatever other dumb garbage we were doing in 2012. You only have yourself to blame. Anyone eight years old and up had their shot and blew it.
The name, a portmanteau of dunk and kangaroo, was the brainchild of a General Mills executive who, while struggling to come up with a name for a new dunkable cookie product, had an epiphany as he was drowning a kangaroo for sport. Noticeably absent from their return is its kangaroo mascot who you didn't know was named Sydney but likely would've guessed if asked. There were a few iterations of Sydney back in the cartoon mascot wonder years of the 90s.
His first look had a distinct Crocodile Dundee vibe that suggested he knew how to use a gun. For his next look, he got a cool, hip makeover. They gave him a backward snapback cap and a sweater with some kind of harness that formed an "x" on his chest that made him look like someone the X-Men had repeatedly told to fuck off.
Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!