Iconic Enterprise Captain Jean-Luc Picard is back in the appropriately named Star Trek: Picard. The streaming series finds Picard battling new enemies, reuniting with old friends, and oddly being grilled by the 24th century equivalent of Fox News.

FNIN N E WS OF THE GALAXY
CBS

Now 'Star Trek' Fans Can Get Hammered on Picard's Wine
CBS

At the start of the series, we learn that Picard has retired from space exploration to take up the family business: classy hooch. The former Admiral Picard now owns a luxurious vineyard with the help of two Romulan servants and an adorable pitbull. Somehow all of these ingredients are in the service of a science fiction adventure show and not a cozy PBS dramedy.

Now 'Star Trek' Fans Can Get Hammered on Picard's Wine
CBS

While we aren't yet able to experience warp travel, or transporter technology, or whatever degenerate fantasies humanity would conjure on the Holodeck, there is one part of Trek's future that can be yours right now: Picard's wine.

Yes, over at Star Trek Wines, which is an actual website for discerning connoisseurs of science fiction-themed wines, you can pick up a bottle from Chateau Picard. If you thought getting drunk was fun before, just wait until you're getting hammered with booze made by your favorite fictional character. According to the description this Cabernet Sauvignon-merlot blend has notes of "blueberries, dark plum and blackberries." After a few glasses of this stuff, you'll start seeing five lights when there are only four.

Chaleau id CRANDVINDE BOOEALI >3
StarTrekWines.com

It turns out they've actually been making officially-licensed Chateau Picard wine since 2016. But in case anyone was thinking of suing CBS because this wine wasn't actually made by Jean-Luc Picard and imported from the future via some kind of temporal anomaly, there is an actual Chateau Picard, an "award-winning, multi-generational vineyard in the Bordeaux region of France". And despite the fact that money has been abolished by the time this wine is canonically produced, it'll still set you back $60 bucks. Or you could always just grab a six-pack of Romulan Ale energy drink. Us? We're holding out until they start making Geordi La Four Lokos.

Check out JM's Star Trek: Picard recap podcast Tea Earl Grey Hot Take, or follow him on Twitter!


Join the Cracked Movie Club

Get your weekly round-up of the latest movie and TV coverage from Cracked and be entered for our digital projector giveaway!

Forgot Password?