Dr. Phil's Mansion Is A Crime Against Eyesight

TV's Dr. Phil is a man whose sense of style can best be described as "Dockers, but less sexy." If you type the words "Dr. Phil swag" into Google, Chrome instantly crashes. He's essentially what a Dreamworks artist would design if they were making a cartoon about an uptight seal that outlawed penguin dancing at the North Pole. All of which makes the interior of his Los Angeles mansion, that recently hit the market, absolutely baffling.

Dr. Phil's Mansion Is A Crime Against Eyesightvia Realator.com

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While the surface looks just like every other drab cookie-cutter L.A. D-lister's home, the insides reveal the type of estate that you'd only get when your wish for a mansion was granted by a genie that lives in an enchanted can of Monster Energy instead of a lamp.

First, let's start with "the great room" (their words, not mine) ...

Dr. Phil's Mansion Is A Crime Against Eyesightvia Realator.com

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... Which is what the bar at the Overlook Hotel would look like if The Shining took place in Orlando, Florida circa-2003. This is followed up by a lounge and billiards room ...

Dr. Phil's Mansion Is A Crime Against Eyesightvia Realator.com

Dr. Phil's Mansion Is A Crime Against Eyesightvia Realator.com

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... Plucked straight out of an alternate reality, where the mystery to be solved in the board game Clue is "Who murdered Ed Hardy?" We then continue to a dining room belonging to the villain of John Wick 4 ...

Dr. Phil's Mansion Is A Crime Against Eyesightvia Realator.com

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Before entering the "family room," complete with a random skull and a sectional couch that can only be described as "orgy-friendly" ...

Dr. Phil's Mansion Is A Crime Against Eyesightvia Realator.com

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Let's be clear, the only times this is considered a "family room" is if one of the swinger couples forgets about birth control. If you scratch-'n-sniff that photo right now, you can actually smell the lube. Which is an appropriate lead-in to the master bedroom, perfect for all of your Crocodile Hunter-themed porn parodies ...

Dr. Phil's Mansion Is A Crime Against Eyesightvia Realator.com

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We're then brought to the backyard, where Joel Schumacher's curse seems gradually lift, leaving us with the pool & hot tub that every rich villain from an 80's action movie was gunned down in and a legitimately tasteful gazebo.

Dr. Phil's Mansion Is A Crime Against Eyesightvia Realator.com

Dr. Phil's Mansion Is A Crime Against Eyesightvia Realator.com

So if you happen to be in the market for Michael Bay's Barbie Dream House, all this is gonna set you back is a mere $5.75 million dollars.

Logan Trent is a Senior Editor at Cracked. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram.